"NLFL (No Longer Fraternity League) Draft Results

                                                                    Round One

LOWES HARDWARE-

FRANKLIN PIERCE- Georgia Tech

Fort Lowell City Schools:

LUKE JACKSON- Southern Methodist

Party Extravaganza Seasonal Supply Store:

WALKER PRESTON- Eckard College

MELLOW MUSHROOM :

JASON STONE (D)- UNC-Chapel Hill

Roly Poly: Traded picks with "Hooters" which moves up to number 5.  Roly Poly moves out of draft all together but has two picks for next year.  Hooters now waits until next also to pick again.

"We really wanted Jason, with his fantastic experience with cannabis.  But, our fears were realized when out primary divisional rivals Mellow Mushroom grabbed him.  Although, this is so  we feel that next year's draft will have more depth providing prospects with similar skill sets.  We need  more depth as much of our staff are now moving to homeless shelters.  Although, we have not seen a prospect like Jason in some time we felt that two guys will get trained well for the same position and will  do almost as good a job as he may have.  Jason's agent was asking for a contract that may have placed us over the salary cap!"

HOOTERS:

SHANE DENSON- Florida State

"Shane's record with women speaks for itself.  Since our company was started in the Tampa Bay area we wanted "home grown" talent that understands the area well.  We are pleased with this selection and expect big things from him."

Columbus City Parks & Recreation:

Pick forfeited due to mismanagement of funds and embezzlement

BUFFALO WILD WINGS:

trades pick to Hooters for their marketing department coordinator.  Automatically moves out of this year's draft and will not draft until 2001.

"We felt that we already had a stacked roster and saw no one who could fit a roster need we already had.  We feel that we have a "Super Bowl" Sunday roster team dynamic and with our addition in free agency we should now be able to attract more patrons in future seasons to come with some of the coolest commercials on t.v."

DOMINOE'S PIZZA:

SHELTON HARRIS- UCLA

"We are so very pleased with this pick.  I told our team if we were patient the draft would come to us.  We foresaw some of the trades and forfeitures.  We also saw no teams needing Mr. Harris' unique skill set before we picked.  We love his ability to move quickly from house to house along with his calloused and powerful knuckles that telegraph notation of a visitor all through even the largest of homes."

CITY OF BIRMINGHAM ALABAMA SEWER & WATER BOARD:

CHARLIE HENDERSON-YALE UNIVERSITY

Detroit City School System:

JOHN GREENWOOD- UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS

"We feel that John's experience with multiple weaponry and hostile disposition will serve him well in our school system where although students are not allowed to bring weapons teachers are advised to!"

JOHN DEERE:

Leaves draft all together and selects undocumented migrant workers in free agency from the Guatamalan developmental league along with other free agents from APOSTLE PETER'S RETIREMENT COMMUNITY. 

"We are well over our salary cap and by not having to pay as much with undocumented workers we can shuffle back inside our cap space and hopefully be able to sign a couple of free agents from even more retirement communities to fill in as doorway greeters."

HEATON & HALE ATTORNEYS AT LAW:

Trade out into next year's draft also.  Will get Birmingham Sewer & Water Board's second round pick next year by shipping some attorneys to them.

"We really wanted Charlie but couldn't trade up high enough to land him.  Our biggest rival there in Alabama got him.  We thought being so close to him here in Philadelphia he'd be a good fit.  What's worse is Birmingham was the only team with similar needs, so unfortunately they were the only reasonable trade partner.  What's even worse is that they clearly got the  better end of the bargain, looks like they hosed us just like they did to all of their tax paying citizens in 2011 there in Jefferson County, Alabama.  But, the silver lining is that next year's draft is so deep in prospects that there should be multiple rounds instead of one as is this year."

MATCH.COM:

GARLAND NEWSOME- San Jose State

"We loved the fact that he could manipulate so many soft ware dynamics, where he could steal personal profiles from Facebook, Link'd In and even other dating sites and paste them onto ours.  We also liked the fact that he knew what to say online as he will come in handy when we ask him to pretend to speak to actual paying customers making them think they are actually talking to someone who cares.  Over half of our profiles are forged and are ones that have long since expired.  We feel that he can take us to an even more advanced, pathetic scum level than ever before."