"An armadillo said-Possibly" A Humorous Look at Another Great American City

        When it comes to life there are certain things that when looked at logically should never have been invented.  When I speak of this I am mostly referring to inventions in and of themselves.  Take for instance things that you apply with spray.  Things such as spray tans, "spray on" fake hair for those follically challenged and even cream filled donuts. Want proof? Just ask civic minded church moms the type of language they use when their children bite into one only to soil the back seat with whatever gosh awful flavor comes out. For my last essay I covered Atlanta and how dynamic an impact it had on America, in particular the American South.  Everyone in my family has a special connection to Atlanta save for me.  My mother and brother were educated over there one weekend for a side business they pursued 12 years ago.  My father lived there as a little boy in the 1950's.  But, I have never been educated,  or embraced by it's protection as a resident like they have.  So, although I have visited often I have only been a part of it's heart from the outside.

IT HAS TO COME OUT IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER

        This past week a new city had me in it's sites for all this time.  Truth be told I had not really given it much attention.  Having connections to San Francisco as being a member of a literary society there for almost two years I felt like I had no other room in my heart for another.  But as they say things are much bigger in Texas, so my heart had to be also.  Seven years ago I was embarking on a hobby called "acting a fool", or better know as stand-up comedy.  I had just lost a job and was starting another bout with potential unrequited romance.  Two potent ingrediants helpful in creating stand-up style writing as well as considerable self loathing.  In the summer of 2005 I performed "open mike" three times.  The first two times were good.  The last time I got overconfident and bombed.  I will say this though, I started a new fad among the troup I was going around town with.  I went up on stage at one show with my shirt off. Don't ask my why but I did it.  To my flattery some were soon to follow.  But alas life happens and I got busy with other pursuits and now seven years later I wanted to get back in the game.

A PRAIRIE LAND 'A CALLING!


















         So having had some of the same type of expierences I had had in 2005; but matured from them this time, I had a rich book of material that I wanted to use.  Being more mature and less arrogant of my abilities I decided to get some training before I went back to "acting a fool."  Most aspiring comics will seek out the traditional breeding grounds such as Chicago, New York and Los Angeles.  Even here in the South one may look at Orlando- Shaun Brady from "Who's line is it Anyway" or Atlanta-(Late) Lewis Grizzard or Jeff Foxworthy or Nashville to get needed education.  Not desiring to spend $400 or $500 plus travel all of those options where out.  Believe me I looked hard at schools in those cities.  If they were cost efficient, I could not fit them into my work schedule.  But as opportunity often comes through the "backdoor" I called a lady named Jan with a company that offered schooling named Backdoor Dallas!
         So now take a deep sigh of relief and you can now stop calling me an SOB for taking so long to get to my point.  It's alright, it's not first time.  Yes, "The Big D" embraced me with it's open boot wearing, gun totin', chicken steak gravy stained arms.  I can say I have added another lovely city to my heart.  Although, San Fran may not approve, (since it's the bastion of liberalism and Dallas the bastion of conservatism it won't) I hope that the two can coexist.  Jan was very gracious in charging me only $35 dollars for her course and even let me go up and give a set of some of my writings-BTW even after the fourth time it is still nerve wracking but what a killer rush. When I first called her in January she kept me on the line for 35 minutes and had never met me before. I was even more encouraged when she revealed to me that she had opend for Ron White.  She also revealed to me a comic/movie star we all know well that steals peoples writings.  She had few things good to say about this comic.  I was disappointed but encouraged that even the "best" sometimes are not.  Now that's TEXAS!  Now that's why I comitted to her and to DALLAS! Aside from my time studying at BDD, I visited certain parts of the city.  Here are some observations that I noticed from the first time I visited  and then from this past week when I came back.

(1) Everything they say about Texas being windy is so true.  During my visit to Highland Park I told myself I bet TOUPE SALESPEOPLE REALLY CANNOT GET A FOOTING -BUSINESS WISE IN THIS STATE.

(2) Yes, Texans love their guns-TO A FAULT! I visited a "meat and three" a block from the SMU campus and found a sign posted the following: " It is a felony to carry a concealed weapon onto this property without proper certificate.  DO YOU THINK!!!!!!!!!! Only in Texas would this have to be established in writing and I had to ask my self this question: is it this common a problem here.  I just can't see anywhere else where someone might attempt to clean a muzzle over apple pie.

(3)Lee Harvey Oswald did not kill JFK!  Seeing the slope of that street and the fence area around the infamous "grassy knowl" it had to take a world class professional to do that (CIA). The accomplished humourist Dave Berry always thought it was Roy Orbison and Nabisco corporation that was behind it.  I tend to think it was Purina and Merle Haggard BUT WHO IS TO SAY!

(4)With the unfortunate passing of the late great Larry Hagman I say the following not to make light of his death at all.  I say the following because he was a humorist at heart and would not ask for it any other way.
SO WHO SHOT J.R? I'LL TELL YOU WHO SHOT J.R.? J.R. shot J.R! If you have ever taken the time to get on the LBJ FREEWAY (AKA) THE BELTLINE AND THEN get lost for an hour trying to find you way to Parker Texas, (home of Southfork) then you would shoot yourself -twice- just like he did! (interesting side note on J.R. if he was one of the most powerful men in town then why did he still LIVE WITH HIS PARENTS!)  Watching "Dallas" I often wondered why the Ewings drank spirits in the living room after work hours (other than try to get a drink before SUE ELLEN grabbed it).  NOW I KNOW WHY!

(5) Armadillos have spread out from Texas and even come here to Alabama!  They must not be very bright to leave a state that has no income tax for others that do.  Maybe that is why they run into traffic so much.  DISILLUSIONMENT HAS IT'S COSTS!

     Dallas was and is a city that has no good reason to exist.  It has no major water way to harbor a port in which it can attract commerce.  It was also not part of any major transportation route.  (I know DFW airport-put your middle finger down-I'm not talking about now)  Thus it makes its story all the more remarkable when compared to all coastal cities and even it's midwestern brethren such as Chicago, St. Louis and even it's state counterpart Houston.  But those that settled it could have taken it for face value as being flat, hot and swallowed up by plains and cotton fields as far as the eye care to see.  But Dallasites made it work because they wanted it bad enough.  There is no reason to find humor in life right now.  We are a country that is troubled economically and maybe even socially.  But, as a comic I choose to make it work.  I choose to bring life to future crowds, just like Dallas has done to these forelorn prairies.  So Dallas, you have taught me the essence of creativity-to make something out of nothing.  That is what makes me a better comic! THAT IS WHY I LOVE YOU! THAT IS NO LAUGHING MATTER!

jcb 3/23/2013

"Americana Asunder"

That clear, yes you can feel clear!
light as talcum powder wind, as Harper Lee
would say in Miss Aubrey's ninth grade cubicle
of growth's beginnings

Holding wind in my hand I could not know
that this one day would end
my childhood no, maybe but a tradition
called Gadsden High School

That clear October wind blowing
Murphy Stadium canyon down
as Gadsden's Tigers push
across end zone ground

Gulf States Steel in prominent distance high
puked an orange light into black night sky
representing the school colors
of the greatest monument of community

That clear, yes you can hold clear
clear embers of remembrance
of that cold fall night, when she burned to the ground
as townsfolk milled around

That clear October wind blowing
Murphy stadium canyon down
As Gadsden like phoenix anew
rises to house neophyte generations

The new millennium's school board in prominent
distance puked out a mandate to combine her with her rivals
just like the furnace fire orange disappearing into the black night, so did her colors-orange and black

Combining with her cross town rivals
to become something never known
by those not called
to ever know it.

One October Friday night
holding wind in hand
I could not know that this would end
as her spirit would descend

Pieces of soul living on
in our hearts, memories and song

Gadsden High School

(RIP-May 2005) 

A piece about one of the greatest high schools in the history of America dying into a mega campus that included Litchfield and Emma Sansom High Schools which were Gadsden's cross town rivals.  The new school is now called Gadsden City High School. It illustrates the death and rebirth of a community and shows that life truly is transient like sand blown by the wind.  But the spirit of youth, hope and nostalgia never dies.  The spirit of my memory of this special place lives on.  I felt it as a little boy at football games, while I was a  student there for a year before transferring and now as an adult.