Jay's Story: (What To Do About Those People Who Try To Invalid Your Personal Growth)
Watch out! Watch out for those people who's insecurities are so great that they cannot stand it when you no longer subscribe to their role they have for you in life. If they don't change and don't appear to be redeemable, you may have to leave them behind. WATCH OUT! WATCH OUT for these tendencies you might have in yourself.
Back around 2015 I started attending an interdenominational church in my hometown as I moved back home from a larger city in the state. About a year or two into attending I made a church wide announcement that we needed help with some manual labor in our company. Our pastor introduced me to Jay, who was looking for a job closer to home with less commute time. In time we hired Jay and he did a good job for us. Jay was a 'jeckle & hyde' in that there were two sides to him. For the first year I saw a guy who was astute in study with whatever he desired in regards to educating himself. He was emotionally and socially mature. About two years into being around Jay I noticed a pattern so many of us can fall into when if we are not careful concerning the 'monster of insecurity/jealousy.' Jay had a late father who was a cop and Jay loved law enforcement. He loved order and was socially conservative. Jay had applied to the FBI and some police forces but was rebuffed. So, he went into ministry. It took me awhile to notice but this issue stayed with Jay in the smallest of ways. He placed himself as the de - facto security guard for our congregation by appointing himself and some others as guards at the front door. He would bring a gun to church, when most congregations in town would just have the police ride by. He also tried to pressure our pastor into nominating him for the highest order of church leadership. Spiritually, this is a massive NO NO in any church. As church leadership should always be composed of people who are humble, nominated by the congregation and not actively seeking a position.
In 2017 I had heard of a couple of men in our church competing a workout called the 'Murph Challenge.' The 'Murph' is a super WOD (Work Out Of The Day) that athletes and 'cross fitters' do each Memorial Day weekend to honor a fallen Navy Seal officer named Michael Murphy. It combines many elements of Cross Fit and small elements of Navy Seal training. You have to sign up and donate money in Michael's honor and his family's non profit. You post your results online as it has to be proctored by someone else. It is rigorous and takes months of training for most people to complete. After hearing about it on some Twitter posts and learning about my pastor and others doing it; I decided I'd train and try it. Jay idolized our pastor. Our pastor was fit and athletic. Jay, liked me but saw me as a lovable and accommodating 'nice guy.' After all, in Jay's mind he had this paradigm of ranking like we all do with people in our lives. As a matter of fact, Jay liked to patronize me by trying to minister to me as someone who was not an equal. He wanted to see me as the new, lonely guy in our church who needed love like a lost puppy. Even though I was at least a decade older than him. When Jay overheard me talking to my father at work about training for the 'Murph' I stated that it might be something I can't do in the end. I can't remember what Jay said, but I distinctly remember he was passively pleased when he heard me express that I thought I may not complete it. You see Jay's position for me in his reality, was exactly where he wanted me to be for his emotional security. Jay knew our pastor had completed the 'Murph' before. He wanted someone in his camp that had strived but failed. He did not want to see me leave 'his camp' and join the one that he had created emotionally and psychologically for our pastor who he idolized. After disciplined training and even injury I completed the 'Murph' in its purest form 10 months later. When Jay found out he about hit the wall internally. He did not say much but his body language stated he perturbed the rest of the day. It was the beginning of the end of our communication as things got tense between us in the months to come. A few months later Jay took another job, leaving unrelated to our issue and I never much spoke to him again.
In the future I see more of this happening. Being single and never married all of these years, I will have a family one day and it will threaten some people emotionally. It will threaten those who believe I belong in that station below them. Sure, I'm alright if I'm 'lovable single guy' who can't seem to get his act together and do the 'normal' things in life. Yet, how will it go when I'm no longer the guy they can consider when they need to assuage the trauma of losing something in their life. All the sudden when I acquire those things it will be interesting and sad when some, even in my extended family, treat me different due to their insecurities.
*Reader you need to realize two things: (1) there are people out there who will be threatened by your mobility in life. They will have a preconceived notion of where you are status wise in comparison to them. They will bug out over any success they feel takes you out the 'station in life' their opinion had you in. All I can say is you have earned the right to mock them. Do it and enjoy it but don't rub it in as you don't want their 'disease' taking it's own life form in you. These are insecure and toxic people and if they are not family you need to put them behind you. If they are family and they don't want to change, you may have to put them behind you. (2) Each one of us is not immune to jealousy due to insecurity. It is intrinsic and subtle. We may think we are open minded, secure and giving. Then we fly off the wall when someone makes more money than we do, gets more acclaim than we have, finds love before or deeper love than we do, becomes more 'spiritual' faster than we do! The list can go on and on. But, I can tell you the greatest tool you can give yourself is to become secure in your own successes and even failures. The last thing you want to be in this world is the guy or gal who feels threatened each time someone else makes a move in life. You want to be able to celebrate others accomplishments.
MAKE A BEELINE TO WHAT YOU TRULY WANT EVEN IN THE SMALLEST OF INSTANCES
In the summer of 2019 I went overseas for a week to Tanzania with my church. After the fact, I've been considering what I need to do long term ministry wise each year. I came to the conclusion that I love California and want to spend a lot of my vacation time there ministering each year. I love the weather, the altruistic and artistic culture and I'm a big 'hippie' at heart in some regards. Last week I started to research projects out there to work with and realized they were not directly affiliated with my church denomination. I knew raising money work them would be a little harder than going to the ones my church was more willing to sponsor. In my mind I went back and forth. 'Should I compromise and go to one in say a New York City.' New York is a great place to work in. It's a great city to help people in, yet it's not the most of what I WANT. WHAT I FEEL IN MY DEEPEST FIBERS. It's not my emotional FIRST CHOICE!" 'What about Phoenix? What about Dallas?' Throughout the weekend I was consigned to settle and forget LA and San Francisco, places I truly wanted to be each year. But, when I got back to work on Monday I realized I needed to weather the inconveniences and push for California over those other opportunities. I pushed hard and filled out an application for a one week project in LA and one in San Francisco. God was good in that just by asking for some technical advice a pastor told me our church may be willing to help me. Both locations were responsive as well. Now, it appears I'm on track with a plan to making a difference in LA one year and alternate by doing San Francisco the next. My goal is to fulfill these opportunities each year for a life time and in the process, helping a state I truly love.
*Whether I ended up in New York, Phoenix, Dallas, West Virginia, Los Angeles or San Francisco; in the greater scheme of life those things would not have really mattered. So many people across the world last week were weighing decisions in their lives so MUCH heavier than that. Yet, I can testify that getting the 'GOLDEN EGG' concerning your options at times is so healthy for your confidence and peace in life. Remember there may be times you don't have a choice or only have a choice between difficult or unsatisfactory conclusions. So reward yourself when you can in the smallest of choices, your emotional state will thank you for it.
I'm dedicating this post to my late Uncle Billy. We'd go spend pre Christmas in Anniston, AL. to visit Billy one designated Saturday in December and he'd greet us with a hardy battle cry of a local university's football team. We'd play mini golf on his back porch and watch golfers on the golf course right behind his house. He'd stand out and watch for traffic when we pulled out of his driveway to go home. You could always spot him in the rear view mirror waving to us until we were both out of sight from one another. Every year without change. He was a Harrell through and through. A family of Americans who can claim descent from an indentured servant coming to America on a dream from Besford, Worcestershire England, named Foulke Harwell. Merry Christmas Uncle Billy and all fellow Harrells.
RIP William Lamar "Billy" Harrell
