How Being Assertive Can Save You Psychologically (A Personal Testimony)

Yesterday, I did something that I've been meaning to do for the past two weeks.  In August, I did something I've always done starting 12 or so years ago that has given me a chance those that went before me never gave themselves - I'll explain later.  First my story

The evening of  August 22nd of this year was like so many others.  It was hot, sticky and also the start of high school football season here in Alabama.  I have always been a soul to skirt right up next to breaking the rules, if I felt it made my time here on earth more rewarding.  My motto has been to live on the edge if need be, as long as it does not offend or hurt anyone psychologically or physically.  That night I really wanted to watch a high school football game;  which happened to be one between Westbrook Christian (my former school) & Coosa Christian alone with a couple of beers.  The problem is, you obviously cannot take a beer into a high school football game.  So, I decided to park off the side of the road and watch it from my car.  Some boys were playing touch football right on the other side of the fence about 30 feet away from my north end parking spot on the 'home' bleachers side of the stadium in a patch of grass. That section of the complex off of where Turman Street enters into Westminster Drive,   Not paying attention to them I hear this thump on the side of my car.  I look down and there is the ball.  I get out and joke with the boys and say I'm taking it home with me. I grab it and keep it for 40 seconds or so and throw it back over the fence to them. At this time, across the street and standing in a driveway, a man is watching my drinking beer and being illegally parked.  He does not seem too happy.  It turns out I know him.  He is the father of a girl I once dated in high school and she is a friend of mine.  I start checking my e-mails on my phone.  Suddenly, the boys yell out, "hey mister get the ball for us."  The type of thing you'd hear in Brooklyn.  I told them I could not get it as I was in the middle of something and they had to simply crawl under the fence to get this one.  The game goes on and I don't think of the incident much anymore.  After the first quarter a lightning delay allows me to visit the driveway with the man who was staring me down, by this time I spot the girl from high school, his daughter and my friend.  I use the time to visit.  The home was actually her younger brother's and it was a gathering place for the family to watch our old high school's games from the comfort of their driveway.  I knock, go inside and visit for 30-minutes.  By now her mother has visited and we have a jovial time of reliving nostalgia and good times.  The father, still aggravated at my parking, seemed to be in a surly mood.  I noticed he went back into one of the rooms alone with the door closed for a time while I was visiting.  Later, I looked out the door and saw the players reentering the field.  The second quarter was about to start.  So, I turn around and finish whatever good time story I was reliving. A minute or two later the father says, "there are a bunch of squad cars by yours." At first I thought he was kidding. You've gotta remember he was the same guy who would shoot his students in class with a water gun if they got an answer wrong. This time he was not.  There were two cars and 5 policeman by my unoccupied jeep.  Talk about 'Mayberry' ! Rainbow City, AL. was always know for this ridiculous type of behavior with their cops. It is a sleepy southern town full of ultra conservative, racist sometimes MAGA types.  A place known for getting calls to dispatch for literally anything frivolous, even if it was not ordinary.  A place were losers with a badge and low self-esteem would over react to anything minor. Of course, I thought man, I'm busted they are going to write me up for having beers, which; unless you are in New Orleans, it is illegal to have an open container.  Walking up to the scene I expected to hear something about the beers or being "illegally" parked.  I heard none of that. INSTEAD I HEARD FROM A COP NAMED RICHARD ROBERTS: "WHY DID YOU NOT GET THAT FOOTBALL FOR THOSE KIDS?"  SOMEONE HAD CALLED THE POLICE ON ME BECAUSE I WOULD NOT HELP THEIR CHILD GET A FOOTBALL THAT FELL OVER THE FENCE! I'D HEARD OF ENTITLED & DELUSIONAL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD BUT THIS TOOK THE PROVERBIAL CAKE!

By now the game had restarted. Yet, it was hard to tell in my mind how many people could've been examining the whole event.  I was subjected to a doctored breathalyzer exam.  The dirty cop told me to keep breathing onto the device 5 times.  As I told his superior officer, that next Monday, when I complained: "I know how to breath DAMMIT!" I was sober and it was apparent they did not like that fact and they were trying to cook the results by giving me multiple tests, in the hope they could give me a humiliating arrest.  At this time I discovered a woman from my brother's graduating class watching the whole thing with interest along with one of the school's volunteer basketball coaches, just over the fence, where the boys had been playing football earlier.   Concerning the police, a couple were testing me, one (who resembled Lurch from the Addams Family) was coaching me on not speaking to anyone over the fence and one (who resembled Tatoo from the 80's t.v. show Fantasy Island) was standing there smirking as if he was getting my wallet without me knowing. As I described to the chief of police it was reminiscent of those times in high school where some redneck would get a bunch of his buddies to fight someone who had dishonored his family or girlfriend or his honor. In the end all they gave me was a petty "stopping on a highway citation." In other words, they saw an opportunity to get $175 for the community's coffers.  It took everything I had not to go full RAGE during the incident and get myself arrested. Getting harassed by cops and getting a breathalyzer test in front of potentially 3,000 people will do that.  GETTING A PHONE CALL TO DISPATCH AGAINST YOU FOR NOT GETTING SOME BRAT'S FOOTBALL WILL DO THAT! You get a gut feeling in your soul that your dignity, your rights as a person were severely violated.  Family and attorneys I have spoken to since have told me that was clearly one of those moments...........................SO WHAT DID I DO ABOUT THIS? WHAT DID I DO THAT SOME WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN BOLD ENOUGH TO DO?  AFTER ALL, SOME WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN CONTENT WITH DRIVING OFF AND HOPING NO ONE THEY KNEW SAW OR RECORDED THE INCIDENT.  THERE WERE RISKS INVOLVED WITH ME FIGHTING BACK! I COULD GUESS THE WRONG OR RIGHT  PEOPLE WHO MADE THE CALL! I COULD SEVER MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL!  I COULD PUT MY REPUTATION ON THE LINE!  I WANNA TELL YOU I DID ALL OF THOSE THINGS! MORE THAN LIKELY I GUESSED THE WRONG PEOPLE! I GUESSED THE RIGHT PEOPLE! I JUST ABOUT SEVERED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL! YET, I GOTTA TELL YOU.........IT WAS ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT.  

In August, I fought back by hiring attorneys to send letters to the some of the parties I thought made the call. I demanded they post a public apology and repay the fee I had to pay.  I wrote letters to my old high school principle describing the event to her and asking if she knew anything. They got their lawyers to contact my lawyer.  AS WE SAY HERE IN THE SOUTH, IT BECAME A GOOD OLE' FASHION PISSING CONTEST. I e-mailed and called the chief of police and about cussed him out.  The most bold thing I did was to visit, in person, the father of my friend at his home on his turf and ask him politely, if he was involved.  He said NO! He was not involved.  To date no one has confessed anything.......NO ONE MAY NEVER DO IT.  YET, WHAT I ACCOMPLISHED THROUGH ALL OF THIS WAS LIFE GIVING AND VALUABLE!

Sure, I've thought about spending the minimum of $1,000 to hire an attorney to subpoena records of phone calls to dispatch that evening  Who knows? I may do it?  But, that is all in the back ground now. What is important is that I stood my ground after counting the cost and realized MY EMOTIONAL WELL BEING IS PRICELESS!  MY REPUTATION IS A GATEWAY TO MY EMOTIONAL HEALTH. SO IS MY '"ART OF ASSERTIVENESS"To anyone reading this I want you to know there will be times when someone challenges you.  They desire to take away your dignity, either by being jealous, petty or insecure or just plain mean.  ALWAYS BE DECENT AND PRACTICE THE GOLDEN RULE.  YET, EXPECT THE SAME FROM OTHERS.  WHEN YOU DON'T GET IT, STAND YOUR GROUND, SET PROPER BOUNDARIES AND DEMAND IT.

You see. My father's mother was an alcoholic who drank herself to death. I never met her as she died a year before I was born.  She could not set boundaries with people. She ran from life, she continually escaped from the emotional assault life gave her and it KILLED HER!  My mother's father was not bold enough to tell his second wife no.  My mother, along with her four siblings, got zero inheritance because he was too cowardly to say NO to his second wife!!!!!!!  He could not say NO to the wrong people and YES to those who mattered!  It left years of hurt feelings and invalided a lifetime of the positive emotions my mother ever had for him. All those issues started with them not dealing with minor incidences over time. They came from not setting proper boundaries in the small things.......which led to their failures involving the BIG ONES!

As I drove home from my visit yesterday I felt amazing endorphins rush through my bloodstream.  Although, in the whole scheme of life, I knew my issue was petty.  Yet, I realized I had given myself a gift over the last six weeks not many people would provide themselves. A gift my late grandmother and grandfather never gave themselves or others. THAT BEING THE GIFT OF THE 'ASSERTIVE MIND'  The gift of setting proper boundaries when the need presented itself.  The gift of fighting for yourself!  Dear Reader...................I hope you give yourself this special gift.  with me it has been easy due to the fact that I'm naturally wired this way.  But, if you are not, please give it a try.  IT WILL MAKE YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE SO MUCH BETTER, IT MAY EVEN SAVE IT! NOT ONLY PHYSICALLY, IT WILL EMOTIONALLY. 

J.C.B. 

October 9, 2019

Ngorongoro Refuge (June 2019)

Descending deep steeped heated toward burnt
Circle we go as dehydrated urine after cho flushed commode

I left my soul right by the mounds of black dusted sod
Never finding separation odd

Caravan ascends  as the dusk begins 
An aberrant realm

As an amusement park for demons
Until mornings angels punish the damned. 

My physicality’s here in safety’s net
Imaginations left behind, to be tormented by fear never realized 

By fear too toasted in fervent ovens of hell
A memory too strange to be able to tell 

Piece about visiting wildlife refuge in Tanzania 🇹🇿 while on mission. The park was contained in the lowest levels of a hollowed out volcano. We had to descend down into it. Imagine a 26 mile wide perfectly circular grass prairie bounded by a perfectly circular wall of mountain. It’s as if you are going down into an amusement park accept there is no manager. A place so strange and desolate it feels miles away from God even knowing it, if ever possible. Most all animals were timid and drowsy in the mid day heat. But what demons came out at night to turn the place into a blood ground, until morning’s light could make the mighty weak in the heat and light could protect the timid by giving them better notice. During dusk, as the caravan of utility vehicles transported us up and out of the volcano floor I looked back and the park felt like a strange office building shutting down for the day. Hours of driving the circumference of the park left everyone weary. An experience so strange I’m not able to recall every detail because my mind had never handled it. Fear of the supernatural darkness of a place tends to do that. Africa itself, so strange and dangerous  tends to do that.

J.C.B

June 28, 2019

‘Aemulus’ 👀

Washed low into how your azure iris burns my loins

The shrill October morn-bellows a soul’s rapture 
enveloped by coffee colored warmth 

Oh, but one is quick, direct, fleeting-urgent 

The second is not second, encapsulating
lingering-abiding stamina staying

Oh, that something colored as water should burn out wick- quick

Oh, that a hue akin to red, should have such mystery as a sea

For I’m torn ‘tween two tinges, purveying a satisfactory tension 

A man haunted by two hues, who have COLORED the total man I’m to be.

This is a work of mystery for my avid readers. For months you have read pieces on travel, people, schools and things that are jabber to some. But, this right here is my gift to you. This is the riddle to my sexual personality. This is what will keep you coming back and reading this to determine which haunting siren of the soul you are to me if you are female. If you are male you may be able to relate.

The first thing that attracts me to a woman is her eyes. A blue eyed woman affects me differently than a brown eyed woman. My inner soul and my body physically reacts differently to each type. None, is better than the other. So, whichever eye color you have ladies, don’t get an ego about it. Both types do wondrous things to my body and mind, it just does it differently. Growing up and even as an adult I have waffled back and forth between having a greater taste for brown eyed and blue eyed woman, at different times due to complex emotional, social and sexual dynamics. Both types have left me heart broken, both types have made me feel I could transport to a stage of pre eternity. The eyes of a woman concerning the ‘blue & brown’ are the ying and yang to my innermost sexual seed. The blue & the brown have wrestled with each other for years. Which one will win out for a lifetime?  Secret reader, my gift to you is to leave you guessing which one it is. I don’t know yet myself! For ‘Aemulus’ means rival in Latin. It means blue eyes vs. brown eyes in my soul and body which yearns.

J.C.B.

June 2, 2019

‘Smells Like School Spirit’

Last night I walked the streets of Auburn, AL. It was graduation weekend for those fledglings flying out into the real world. A special needs high school student, who I met and mentored for two years; is a massive sports fan of Auburn University’s athletic program. We go to one Auburn sporting event once a year, usually a football game. But, next month, he is moving out of town and our relationship will be severed. So we took in a college baseball game as our last event together. Any time I go to Auburn, or any college town,  I realize just how fast life moves. It is easy to feel aged and out of place in a setting such as that. But, it also gives me great zeal for my alma mater; which happens to be Auburn’s greatest rival, The University of Alabama. It was not by coincidence that I choose this weekend to watch my alma mater play our greatest rival. It was icing on the cake I could take Bryan with me one last time. It not was always this way. I once was a fan of Auburn University’s athletic program. But, when it came time for college, Alabama was the only logical choice because I’m left brained. I scored in the teens on math and  logic and in the low 30’s in vocabulary/wording on my college entrance exam. I’m clearly VERY left brained. Auburn is the ‘numbers’ school. People who are right brained and more mathematically inclined go there. Your architects, engineers, natural scientist get degrees there.. Whereas Alabama is your ‘words’ school! It is a school for the fine arts. Things like journalism, dance, music, literature and law are specialized at UA. It is an artist’s university. That is why I love it. I don’t care if we win football championships each year. I don’t live vicariously through other people. But, the fact the two schools are so starkly different culturally is why I love my school so much. Auburn’s school colors even demonstrate its commitment to the hard sciences. Blue, denotes stability and calm, strength with little emotion. While red represents passion and creativity, which happens to be the University of Alabama’s colors. Some of you may be saying I never went to college, I cannot relate. You can though, because cities can take on the same identity involving personality. For instance Chicago is a ‘right brain’ place for the business man or woman. Los Angeles is the left brain capital of the world, full of writers, performers and musicians. New York, being so large is for both. The lesson I learned last night is this: whether you are right brained or left brained! Whether you are Auburn University or The University of Alabama or Chicago vs. Los Angeles; there is a place for you in the universe. No matter which college, community or endeavor you are called to, your inate gifts will lead you there.

J.C.B. May 4, 2019

"This Very Circle"

Not knowing you, not knowing me.
Set aside time, as people stroll these Virginia Highland Streets

All there is, is a moment crystalized pure
Our orders get taken, eyes pupiled' locked to reassure

None not matters where our lives have been
Done, new hope breaks anxiety into tatters, as possibilities ascend

All could not care where our lives are going
Your tranquil warm countenance is knowing

A good man if you deem to be two feet away in me
The azaleas pulse Atlanta's balmy greeting into now, for us to be

As I look out the window, back into you
Knowing me, so glad time takes a break it can usher hope to

............This very circle, this table where time's movement
is disallowed!

*A piece about meeting a woman for date in the Virginia Highlands section of Atlanta that my matchmaking firm introduced me to.  We met on the first Saturday in April.  Although, we did not end up being right for each other after a couple of subsequent texts; all that mattered was that moment in time.  April in Atlanta, or Georgia for that matter, is stunningly gorgeous. The blooming of so much of nature is intoxicating. We shared a small table in an Italian café right by the front door's window. Because the place was noisy, as most any eatery in Atlanta is, we had to really lean in and uses our senses to read each other and to listen and show the other party they had value to us, while yet we were acutely studying one another.  Not, knowing our future after that evening all that mattered at that time was the couple of hours we had at that small circular table made for two.  Out come? I got dating fatigue and told my match making firm to place my membership on hold until mid summer.  But, you could not convince me that, that moment in time was not transformative.

JCB

May 1st 2019

“Spurious”

You came forth now after your child

This hill you claimed to get to me

This role you dream of is something I will not be

So, I’m enough of a man to be a substitute father 

No, you would have told me in chances before 

As I bare knuckled rasped youthful essence’s door. 

Conceit’s lock told me not to bother 

I’m saying goodbye when you’ll have me now as a surrogate 

Of a feeling, I’m destined for better will never abate.

Work about that classic but uncommon situation a grown man can find himself in if he attempts to marry later in life. Those same women who may not have wanted him as a spouse and a biological father of their children now are coming at him from all directions wanting a part of who he is. They want him now, to help raise a family that really is not his. If he is of healthy self esteem he either wants children of his own with her, or wants someone who shares his vision for parenthood. He also will start with someone who never wants children. All 3 options are life giving with one being deplorable.  In love he knows he cannot ask her to do something to her body and against her will she does not want to. So in order to keep his masculinity intact he must tell her no because he sees someone who wants to use him as a substitute. Although, she may have matured and really cares about him, subconsciously she regards him as a stand in. In this short drama of poetic script he walks away from her and either seeks a woman who wants the same goals he does in starting a family or he looks for a woman who has never had children and decides she never wants them. Because in the end this is live giving to him as well.  He knows that if he cannot have a family at least he has a partner who can go through the uniqueness of the situation with him. He has rejected emasculation for life giving manhood. In a twist of irony he has rejected the type of woman who may have rejected him in more the superfluous years of their youth. He is to be rewarded with a much more higher calling so he travels away to something more rare to find but with a better payoff.

The Art Of Appreciating Old Flames”

By reading the title of this post you may be thinking I can do that! I can be appreciative of all of those from my past who loved me for me, IF I CHOOSE TO GO THERE! Well, you can’t chose because life will take you to a place, at least once, while you are alive; to where you will have to do so. Rejoining a matchmaking firm in upscale Atlanta has caused me to do just that. I don’t have movie star looks but I’ve had my fair share of a healthy variety of women from all walks of life find me appealing. Even if they think I’m ‘uglier than a bowling shoe’ some are gracious enough to let me ‘worm’ (what you women call it) charm (what we men call it) my way into their hearts. With five women down and about six to go before my contract runs out, I have hit a savage dry spell I have not seen before. Blind dating is irreconcilable unless you get real lucky. My matchmaking firm is very classy in that they don’t match based solely off of physical appearance. That is exactly how a progressive firm should be. So, when matched, I never see the woman’s photo prior to date night.

Whether it is a spiritual matter (i e God having other plans for me outside of the firm) my failure in finding the right match has been epic. It does feel spiritual and scary as it seems there is some cosmic blockage wanting me to fail. My matchmaker confirmed my suspicion through an email recently. Her feed back: “ She said fun date, real gentleman but no chemistry.” My follow up has been a damage control of “ I did not see initial chemistry either but am willing to be open minded. And this is truth as this has been my dating policy for about five years now. I just know of countless stories of people who did not feel the ‘bells & whistles’ at first but matured into something great. And thus my problem. I’m open minded, them not so much! Although, it doesn’t hurt so much when someone you have just met/don’t have much attraction for yourself does not want to give it a shot; it still can be a ‘core’ shaker! Times like these can make you doubt yourself. Which is an invalidating and terrible place to be. That is why I’m writing today! Whether it is career success, romantic success or social success most all of us hit periods in our lives when it seems  the world is outta’ tune. We just can’t quite connect with people or goals as we once had. Listen, carefully as I will give you the key to beating this ‘ Sargasso Sea’ (stagnant current less part of Atlantic Ocean) of life. It is real simple but easily overlooked.......................................

Think back to all those times you succeeded at a career or job goal!

Think back to all those men or women who were sexually attracted to or wanted to love you!

*Make a list of all of these and recite them until you feel better. Those times and people are an absolute blessing you need to hang your hat on. God put ‘em there to help with the failures you are bound to encounter due to being courageous in the future. Or due to putting yourself out there only to find someone doesn’t ‘get you’ or ‘doesn’t want to try to get you’ when it comes to love.

It is amazing how God allows the cosmic power of the universe to encourage you right when you need it most. For every lost opportunity or feeling of failure there is that person or next accomplishment validating you. There is that beautiful woman living in London sending you a Link’d In connection request (had this happen to me last year) or that beauty on Facebook or down at the grocery store who initiates conversation with you. All this after you felt like you not would be able to pull yourself out of the doldrums of doubt.  Everyone goes through seasons of doubt. Just look at the fruitful times and stay the course.

JCB

"A Sliding Glass of Sea To The Mint Continent" An Essay On South America

Stand on the beach at Destin, FL. and you are situated to look due south.  Sure, you will miss Cuba to the left and Mexico to the right, eventually landing in Central America.  But, as a little boy, at our family vacation condo in Destin, I would pretend the Gulf of Mexico was an exotic window to the wonderment of South America.  Just like if you stand on the beach anywhere from Miami up to the Virginia/North Carolina state line, the Atlantic is a shiny window to Africa.  Like wise for California, Oregon and Washington the Pacific is a window to the ancient and mysterious nations of Asia.  Being a water enthusiasts I love the world's seas and oceans for so many reasons.  The fact they let you use your imagination is one of their highest attributes.

As a little boy, I would come home and open up the old World Book Encyclopedias and read about Africa, Asia and South America.  Being all boy and living in Alabama, I liked 'critters.'  I would seek snakes, spiders and all those crawly things boys like to put on little girls, as a way to say I like you. I would like reading about them even more.  I still do like reading about them and seeking them out.  I just don't put em' on people any now.  I would read about those other continent's exotic wildlife.  I would read about their deadly snakes with wondrous infatuation.  Africa had the Mambas, Asia had the King Cobra while South America had the Fer - de- lance a massive pit viper, which even the mongoose has only a 50/50 chance of defeating.  The mongoose is an Asian rodent know to be able to kill the Cobra by striking fast at its neck.  And just like with American cities and waterways I developed anthropological man crushes on foreign continents.  First it was Africa, then Asia but over the past 12 years it has been South America.

Driving home through the sandy bottomed pine belts of south Alabama as a kid, to reach home at the north end of the state, the burning sun would caress my skin through the car window.  I would reflect back on the Gulf's warm emerald and cobalt blue liquid tranquility and how it echoed the mysteries and dangers of the Amazon.  While on the school bus for class field trips, while driving through the oak forests of north Alabama; I would pretend I was in Paraguay.  My younger brother, when he got into about 4th grade, turned black headed and always had copper colored skin in the summer.  Looking left I would pretend he was a native Indian tribesman captured by me.  What an amazing season of life in being a child.  You could take your mind anywhere during the most mundane of circumstances.

In 2014 I joined 23 & Me.  As was no surprise I was 99% just ole' white boy of European descent.  But, it was that minute, barely noticeable result that brought that little boy out in me again.  Tucked away in my DNA profile was some North African and Sub Saharan African, just a drop as it was less the 1%.  DNA profiles shift on 23 & Me as more testing is done on their clients.  In 2016 a new test result came back as Native American, including the South American type.  I was entranced. But, just late last year it was updated and had been replaced by Spain/Portugal.  Spain is charming but it didn't feel as provocative as Brazil.  I felt like one feels when they break up with someone.  Your something for two years and then it is no longer there.

The phenomenal thing about "geographical" DNA is that it manifests itself differently in siblings.  For example, my younger brother's results, may have shown South Asian, American Indian and nothing from Africa, had he taken the test himself.  I was the only one in my family to do so.  In other words one brother or sister may represent an entire continent or nations the other will not.  Talk about personal pride. Mine has consistently shown that trace amount of African aside from north and west Europe.  During the last 5 years it has been the only consistent result as Native American has come and gone to be replaced by Iberia, which may be replaced by who knows what.  In the southern, summer sun my skin always turns a yellow beige color, just like someone from Algeria or Egypt's might.  My brother's turns a reddish-copper color like an Amazonian tribesman's might.  Anyone who has ancestors from South American countries or from any Caribbean Island nation or state are partly descended from South American native tribes.  I'm jealous if you are. 

In three short months I will be in Africa. A medical mission will usher me to Tanzania.  It will be an amazing life altering experience.  But, while there; a warm humid breeze will blow in from the west out of South America and warm that infatuation of that little boy who looked out over the Gulf in the 'panhandle's' torrid, summer sun.  My little brother may visit Destin this summer on vacation.  He will stand due south overlooking the Gulf as a grown man.  He will look through that emerald/cobalt window as I did so many years before and may be realizing his minute DNA origin.  It will be a gift I'll have to give up to him.  As it is apparent, the emerald/mint continent is not mine to give.

J.C.B.

3/11/2019

“Noon Tide”

Driving past that building 
Prompting fever of you
That song played tune
Memory seems more subdued 

It’s the natural course of passion 
To begin 
Ebbing into
A twilight end

But morning comes with sun’s eastern fire
Molted to mend 
Our hearts together-to eternity, deeper than passion 
Commitment, mutual sacrifice have no end....,

As sun sets in western sky-only to rise again 

Remember when you started dating or began a marriage to someone and that new passion and luster had worn off. You took a break in your relationship either technically or in secret while you were still together, feeling as if something strange were happening. But, while doing so you realized you were not losing the person, you had not stopped loving them. Your feelings just matured into real love. I can remember times in my life when this happened and it was an amazing time of growth, introspection. Natural elements such as the ocean tide and the sun represent stability. Just like healthy, true love, just when you think the ocean tide or the sun is weak you can always count on it to come back strong, as is it was right on schedule for the next day. It took me about five minutes to write this. The reason-I just felt it in the pit of my soul. It vomited out so easily. It had been in my heart for weeks as I have began to see in myself growth in becoming the type of man who can experience this in my life again.

J.C.B. 

March 2, 2019

"Soul Searching-True Love" Valentine's Day 2019

I surmised if my life had been 'normal' like most of my friends, I might have had children late elementary/jr. high age by now.  This is what my logical inner self told myself last Saturday night as I was driving to my blind date for dinner with A .......but that story will come later.......there is one much more important I must tell first.  I hope whoever reads this will use it as a tool for growth.

You see, back when I was a student at the University of Alabama; I was like most hot blooded kids in that I thought love was only about the erotic, the physical.  I chose who I wanted and not wanted to date based off of this wasteful and fleeting construct.  Sad truth is, in our modern times that is what pretty much everyone does younger than 50 years of age or so.  Enter M.  She was smart, giving, soul affirming and the type of person that shows a young man the opportunity to learn what real love is.  She gave me every opportunity to commit to her.  Being caught up in the physical, I did not have the ability to give her the right kind of guy.  The guy who appreciates the right qualities in the right people. The type of guy I am now, now that it is TOO LATE with M.  I kept looking for more "bells & whistles, thinking that the "grass would be greener on the other side." She did the only thing she could do and eventually married another guy.  I did the only thing I knew how to do all through my twenties and a few years into my thirties.  That was emphasizing the wrong traits in finding true love.  That was failing miserably in finding it.  That was getting a taste of my own bitter medicine when women would overlook all my soul sustaining qualities because they were operating from an immature and superficial perspective themselves.  ''Birds of a feather, flock together," as the old proverbial saying goes. And believe me those types poop in each other's nest.


...........NOW BACK TO SATURDAY NIGHT

My blind date was suppose to be everything the "old me" wanted.  The friends who set us up described her as exotic, international (she was Colombian)  and very physically attractive.  She was all those things. As we sat there at dinner it was a good news/bad news dynamic.  The bad news is the "old me" came back out.  The good news was it showed itself in her, not me.  From the moment we sat down I could tell by her body language that I was not meeting that preconceived check list she had taken to dinner in her mind.  Little did she know she was fading with me quickly as well.  The 'old me' would have abandoned all rationality in disappointment with what most guys would have died to have at that moment.  The "new me" needed something more.  The "new me" was not going to indulge himself in something fleeting and superficial.  The 'old me' would have been really despondent that this 'perfect' date would not make it to a second. The 'new me' felt dissatisfied. The 'new me' wanted something more tangible. Something that M., during those years down at Alabama, would have given me.

It is my hope that this gift I give to whoever reads this for Valentine's Day is a gift that lasts a life time.  I write this wanting you to realize that true love: requires sacrifice, an open mind and loving someone for what type of inner qualities they have.  Physical attraction and the erotic are excellent tools to help build a solid bond, but they should never be a reason for that bond.  I went to a retreat three years ago about sex addiction, love and marriage. No, I'm not a sex addict! Place jokes here!  But, sex addiction is a topic that is pervasive and dangerous.  It is important to discuss.  It is a result of a society that emphasizes the wrong qualities in people.  It definitely is destroying our society.  The speaker stated something I will never forget.  He said that sexual arousal is much more intense when couples love each other based off of qualities such as mutual respect, sacrifice and an altruistic perception of your partner (i.e. loving a person for what is inside, instead of strictly how they look or immediately arouse you sexually)

As a culture we are emphasizing the fleeting at the expense of the lasting.  I hope tonight when you go out to dinner with that special someone you can look across that table and realize a deeper them.  I hope you can realize that deeper you sitting in your seat.  I hope tonight if you are alone or with a group of friends you take time to study people, to study yourself.  Learn from your/ their sustaining qualities.  Learn from your/ their fleeting ones as well.  Learn from people's successes and their failures. Change your perception of what true love really is.  If you do, Valentine's Day just might become your everyday of the year.

Happy Valentine's Day


              J.C.B.

"A Moment's Time" Art of Passing Along Altruistic Integrity

Usually, when I show up on here I have a clear distinction concerning what I want to write.  I know how I want to engage and entertain.  This morning my thoughts feel jumbled but I write knowing this may just be the most affirming and powerful message I say. It will be so, not only on here, but anywhere at any time.  As a matter of fact, I just came up with the title five minutes ago after much inner debate.

Yesterday morning a line in my personal growth was drawn in the proverbial sand.  My father came into my office and flatly stated he was going to the dermatologist's office to treat melanoma.  It took me several hours to wrap my mind around the fact my dad had cancer.  But, it took me only a few minutes to fret about the news as the cognitive dissonance was complete and reality set into focus.  Sure, he was getting it removed and had told me that the physician had gotten all of it and it had not made it's way out of the skin.  Still, there is that moment of reflection when you start to ponder what the future holds for all of us.

Having never been married or having the opportunity to start a family of my own my loved one's longevity in this world is something I consider at least once a week.  Married people, although, would certainly feel loss as would anyone else of a loved one, have some one to fall back on emotionally in the event if a parent passes.  For a single person the prospect of losing a parent before senior age hits a portion of the soul deeper than it would someone with a family.  In a strange way I have emotionally prepared myself for a moment like this for several years.  I have done so knowing there may be a possibility things don't work out with me and the family thing and I am in the long haul alone when my parents pass.

I have lately thought of myself as someone who is on a maturity level appropriate with their age.  But, yesterday I realized I was ahead of curve.  In my twenties and a good portion of my thirties I was not. Over the past couple of years I have fantasized about owning my role as the older brother who saves my younger brother and my mother on an emotional level when my father passes.  Yesterday, I realized I could be just that.  It was liberating and affirming.

In two days time I will be sitting across a table at an upscale establishment in Atlanta, GA.  At that same table will be a beautiful female transplant from Columbia, South America.  At least that is what my matchmaker said when she sent me an e-mail two weeks ago of her bio.  Sure, I have reengaged with a matchmaking firm in Atlanta I used two years ago.  Sure, I feel slight pressure to make it work with someone each time I make the drive from east Alabama over there knowing my membership expires in June.  I don't know what will take place in two nights.  Although, I value this person, it does not matter to me as much anymore if she accepts me for who I am.  She is a stranger up until we meet and she owes me nothing except common courtesy and kindness we should all give to one another.  For that matter, I have realized after yesterday's news that I am content if only a few more people ever love me for me again in my LIFE. 

So many people out there have never met their parents or a parent.  So many out there have been told verbally or in action they are not loved by their parents or parent.  I have been blessed to have never experienced that.  More than likely my father will keep going back to the dermatologist and will keep getting good reports.  In the event it does not work that way I have had an amazing run with him and all the things he has taught me.  How to invaluably give and sacrifice in love.  I am preparing now to pay that forward whenever both my parents are called home to Christ.  I am practicing it right now.  In two nights from now, in Atlanta, nothing will be guaranteed. In the doctor's office nothing will be certain.  In life............we all know the answer by now.

NON OF THIS MATTERS BECAUSE I HAVE LEARNED SACRIFICE AND WHAT I CALL ALTRUISTIC INTEGRITY FROM THOSE WHO CARED SO MUCH FOR WHO I AM AND NOT WHAT I ACCOMPLISH.  THAT BEING BOTH MY PARENTS, TRUE FRIENDS AND CHRIST ALONE.  I CAN ENTER THE BATTLE FIELD OF LIFE AND PASS IT ALONG FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS.................I AM READY TO PAY IT FORWARD!

Happy Valentine's Day

            J.C.B.

           2019 

Syracuse

Go north outta the ‘City’
Up to the hill flats
See the factories 
Billow carbon outta black soot stack

I never knew a place 
Was consigned to be blood - in family 

Go north outta Birmingham 
Realize your past is present 

Go south to home
Outta the frigid 
Just to realize you roamed from it.

Piece about my brother getting a job at a new company that required his first assignment to travel and work on week days in upstate NY in the fall of 2015. Interesting enough we found out a year later part of my father’s father’s side of the family partly originated in Syracuse and met up in the Midwest with the other half coming from places like Maryland, Virginia, Ohio, NC and Kentucky. Funny how a place is in your DNA so severely that it literally, by chance, forces you to return as it did Taylor.

Emasculation Nation "How People Have Fallen For The "Vicarious" Lifestyle

As I write this I realize my title to this piece has probably been used a number of times.  Why?  Because it rhymes and has a certain jingle.  But, none the less, I cannot think of a more fitting one.  Celebrity worship is nothing new.  Countries like Britain, Mexico and India have had tabloids and tabloid culture for years.  But, due to the internet, it has never been more prolific.  Minding one's business while trying to check for the scores of your favorite sports team, your twitter feed or the stock market now a days, it is impossible not to be bombarded with news you never wanted to look at concerning some movie, t.v. or other pop culture personality getting pregnant, engaged, married, divorced or being abducted by an alien.  Yes, news that Jennifer Aniston has gone through all of these life circumstances has cycled through news feeds until the reader wishes they were illiterate.  Of course the only people who like these types of stories over substance are close to it.  And don't forget about the dissipative and idiotic click bait, chum box articles trying to get your attention while you are reading something else.  You know? Those articles that list prices and photos of the wealthiest sports stars.  Or even more of a waste of brain cells - those lists of the best looking super model or actress girlfriends of said athletes.  Those articles which are not articles at all but just drivel and drool of a low status guy with a third grade mind.  The one who has such low self-esteem he has to live vicariously through people he has not met in person.

But, how did we get this way as a society?  What is the psychology, or better yet, pathology behind such waste?  To answer the question, unfortunately, humanity has always been this way.  At least at the advent of the Industrial Age and news reports.  God created people to worship Him.  In other words, people were made to believe in something.  If they don't believe in God or some higher power then they worship something in a vacuum.  Unfortunately, if they have low self-esteem it is almost always another person.  Now, I know what you are thinking?  Wait a minute, John, I am looking at your Twitter feed or your Facebook account and see a healthy list of people from sports or pop culture.  You would be absolutely correct!  But, although, I have fun following individuals of note I do so under two hard rules concerning my perspective of them:

  (1) Although some are talented, work hard for what they get and bring mass joy to people by displaying their gifts, through entertainment I do not worship them.  I NEVER WILL.  I do not see them as more important than myself or anyone else.  To me they are PEOPLE who have chosen a certain modem to express themselves as have the rest of us.

(2) If you notice carefully I follow noted people mostly because I view them as fantastic people away from the spot light who I love to encourage and see a certain tangible quality in who they are.  In other words if I met them in everyday life I would still admire and enjoy what they offered as an individual. They give back to the world in some wonderful way and it encourages me to a better person for knowing them.  Or they have something in common with me (the relatability factor)  They are connected to me culturally in some way. For example, they may represent a region of the country, like my home town or state that I represent as well. I feel a certain bond of common experience with them.

I wrote a column for a sports blog 3 years ago critical of men who worship athletes and their physically attractive girlfriends or wives, and of that mindset.  Those men who live vicariously through sports teams or other "alpha males."  Those same grown men who wear a sports jersey with another man's last name on it which is not theirs.  Those guys who jam up their twitter feeds with supermodels they follow obsessively who would not give 'em the time of day, who happen to be dating or married to an athlete from their favorite team.  The article pleaded with readers to become their own hero in their spheres of influence and to pick out a great women in their own live's and becoming her hero.  But, I found much backlash from writing such an article instead and found that several of my readers wanted to just be lazy and pathetic.  They wanted to rather, criticize the article. I soon realized they would rather sit on the sidelines of life and live through others who could make a statement they felt they could not make themselves.  They felt threatened by anyone who could develop their own self-esteem through their own accomplishments. Like an accidental science project, it showed that misery truly does love company.  I have even been critical of chum box articles that glorified the topic I'm discussing in comment sections.  Of course it brought me a negative comment directed at me via Facebook last February. Like a fool I engaged the moron who left the comment toward me for about an hour on the social site until I had to block them.  Lesson learned!  You argue with a fool and pretty soon you become one yourself, as the biblical proverb states.  After the experience I realized just how entrenched was this culture of "living vicariously through others." I witnessed just how invasive it is in everyday life.  Ironically enough, the name of the publication I wrote for was called "Sidelines" it was a sports and lifestyle online publication.

But, the vicarious lifestyle is not just making manhood sick.  Women are just as guilty of this phenomenon.  E-entertainment, Entertainment Tonight, tabloid gossip magazines from superstore magazine racks are counting on this.  They want the mom or single woman to grab a candy bar and a magazine out of desperation or depression because she is dissatisfied with her own marriage, relationship. life in general or suffering from some loss.  Their own lives can look mundane compared to Meghan Markle's.

I write this article to say that it is never too late to leave this culture and mindset behind.  To move toward becoming your own hero or superstar.  To be adored by someone like your sibling, children, nephews, nieces or even spouse.  To quit living in someone else's shadow.  Sure there will always be those lowlifes who feel threatened by all of us who don't subscribe to the "vicarious" lifestyle.  They will fight tooth and nail because misery loves company.  Let it go.  Make a 2019 resolution to quit reading websites that even have click bait or chum box articles attached to them.  Reject the tabloids online or in line at the grocery store. Turn the remote away from reality t.v. about false romance or entertainment t.v. news programs.  Read and watch more publications and programs about history, world events, art, genetics or anything meaningful.  The "vicarious" lifestyle is anything but that.  Those who profit off of it, propagate it or passively absorb it will never be such to society.

Happy New Year,


        J.C.B.