Obviously, I'd always dated American women, because of having lived in America and never having traveled anywhere else until high school. Particularly before the advent of the internet. During the past four years I have been exposed to people from Indonesia, Brazil and Britain and it's colonies (South Africa).
I met Lee in mid July on a Christian app. I, still not having a family of my own have really only had one hard dating rule. It states that I will date almost anyone who is a decent person. Yet, in the more fine print it read like this. I'd absolutely date people with children as long as: they would want more with me or if they were adopted. Of course, I'd also date people who did not have children or did not want children. About the only thing I'd not want to do was date someone who had biological children but would not want anymore (I've been getting burned by this lately and am seeing I may have to change my thinking) From my perspective my self-esteem is built up in a way that allows me to believe that I'm not as much of a man if I don't have my own offspring. Yeah, it's irrational, destructive and stupid, yet it is a persistent caveat of how I see myself in the world. Now, I have been praying some that God would take it out of my mode of thinking. Yet, it is well - lodged. My logic in all of it is that: If I marry someone who has had children but can't or does not desire to do it with me, then it would isolate me in the experience of being able to do something in life that most everyone gets to experience. I just would not want to look across a table at someone during breakfast, regretting that I had not experienced fatherhood and she have no clue what I was feeling. That she could not fight that battle alongside me because she had never gone through it herself. I would hate to feel like a substitute or a stand in father to her children as well. There would always be this feeling that I came up short in life in some way. So, when I read Lee's profile it was a rare opportunity to reach out to someone I could start a 'clean slate' with in life. She had a child but he was adopted. Technically, she had no biological children. Just what I was looking for..............in the event I was called not to have my own children. The next best thing in other words.
She had that classic British accent of a Leslie Anne Down. She, being up in Maryland and I in Bama, encouraged us to used Snap Chat to date long distance in this time of Covid. Things moved along fantastically as we met every week and used our imaginations to play charades and other games people would play in person. Two weeks later I took her on a virtual hike up a mountain trail in my hometown of Gadsden, AL. We had gotten to the point by mid August for me to offer the suggestion we meet in person and for her to be comfortable with it. Being the gentleman I offered to do it on her home turf in the metro D.C. area. So, we agreed on the third weekend of September over Labor Day.
In the weeks leading up to my trip I felt nothing but enthusiasm. Our texts of encouragement and hour long, Sunday night chat sessions provided me, us no indication we were on a path not meant to be. We were certainly mature and committed enough to handle the distance between us. I even started dwelling on what a life would be like living in Maryland. During the week leading up to visiting, I felt a strange feeling of vague duty instead of zeal. I began to sense that driving up would be more of a chore. I felt like I wanted to stay home in Alabama. I could not explain why though, my feelings were mysterious and felt baseless. On the drive up I felt the same numb, throbbing sensation of dissatisfaction about the whole experience to come. All through the weekend that pulsing, dissatisfaction turned into full blown 'homesickness' and disillusionment. We toured the National Mall in Washington and our time was cordial. Yet, it felt processed and not as organic or joyful as our weeks before. I felt lonely, even walking beside another person around a beautiful city. I knew for certain I never wanted to live in Maryland with her. All of the sudden I felt like I would not be a quality husband for her and a strong father for her son. I felt more like a squatter on a dynamic that I was not meant to live in. I was surprisingly disappointed. Not, just in the experience but in my self, for not being able to conjure up the excitement I was able to lead us into earlier in the summer. Her body language showed it, mine showed it. Yet, I'm a good actor in such things and did my best to relive our short past. By the end of our time on Saturday night it was evident we were just on some unspoken social contract of politeness. I made the drive back on Sunday morning with a distinct fear we would have to talk or if we proceeded on..............I'd GULP.....potentially have to move to Maryland if we married. Wednesday, I was relieved to get her early morning text message that she felt something was off. I sadly, told her I had felt the same way and promised to explain more through a heartfelt e-mail, further explaining what I was wrestling with. We had come to an end!
So what happened? How could two people with so many goals in common, so many interests aligned, with so much glee disintegrate away from each other? One obvious, cliche factor was that meeting in person shattered fantasy. Reality always does that. Two people had to finally realize a future together now more in person and all the factors that could sabotage it. In the most basic, human terms we both got around each other and thought the other was 'uglier than a bowling shoe,' as we say here in Alabama. It was the stark reality of not being on paper or on a computer screen anymore. But, the most powerful factor was deeper and even supernatural. IT WAS HER SON! An issue she or I never really accounted for. More specifically, it was God protecting her son. In the days before I left my parents were praying for clarification for the both of us. Even weeks before I visited, strange things started to happen where God was directing us away from each other. My Snap Chat was hacked and disabled directly after our virtual 'hiking date.' The week before leaving, I felt like I really wanted to stay in Alabama. The intense feeling of my mysterious longing for Alabama, while with her in Washington demonstrated proof as well. God has a way of directing the most minute details in our inclinations. I've gone on dates with women over in Atlanta and never felt homesick over there. I've flown out to the west coast to socialize and felt like it was a second home. I'd even flirted with a business associate out of Chicago and never felt reserved about spending time with her up there. There was no logical reason for me to feel this way about this paradigm. But, I did. It was alarming and surprising. All through this God was protecting her son. He was protecting a young man who had just moved from a continent away (South Africa) with Lee to a new country and culture, just a few months prior. To a country in great turmoil. He was keeping him from the potential trauma of having to start over again in Alabama.
For the first time in my life I realized love sometimes spreads a net outward from the two parties in the center of it. It can advise us that the most loving thing to do, is to cut that net so that it does not incumber third parties. Virginia's Shenandoah Valley is beautiful this time of year, as my drive home whispered to me. So, is God's protection. So are old memories of people you have to let go of. So are new opportunities of romances to come.
J.C.B.
9/24/2020
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