I'd just sat down for lunch at the Ferguson Student Center on the campus of the University of Alabama. It was the fall of 1997. In a series of monthly meetings with Billy, a local minister who helped students stay on the 'straight and narrow' away from home, I saw this one as run of the mill, like all of the others before. But, this time Billy presented more focus with clarity in his voice. We began to discuss sin and how we are full of it. I took a bite out of my Chik - Fil - A sandwich and watched Billy narrow his eyes.
" Son, you have to face the fact. You don't tell the truth at times. You hate and get angry at people at times.
You are a liar, a murder..............YOU'RE ................. A..................... MASTURBATOR!"
At that moment time seemed suspended. In my mind's eyes I could see myself at the eternal throne of judgement we all face in the next life. I could see God going through a great book counting every sin I'd ever committed. I could see him saying son................................you'll make it to heaven...............BUT...............................................................first you must face 10 years of hell..................because.................YOU'RE A MASTURBATOR! I took another bite and snapped back out of it. By now I was just trying to do everything I could not laugh out hysterically. For Billy was dead serious and I did not wanna' disrespect time an adult would take out of his schedule to provide guidance to a fledgling like me. Of course I got home and told my roommate of the meeting and we had a dandy of a time discussing it. We even implemented it into Hank Williams Jr. songs over beer. "And old Jim Beam caused him to be a 'TABLE THUMPIN' MASTURBATOR." I guess when you're laughing and having beer you can make up your own humorous lyrics to any ole' country tune.
But, all banter aside, thinking back on the story made me recount all the others and how most all teenagers have to face such shame, fear and remorse concerning the matter. Adults, particularly here in hyper conservative, Alabama can recount those times of teenage angst in having to reconcile their spiritual obligations to their unadulterated hormones. It was nothing uncommon for a buddy and myself to make a Near Year's Eve resolution pact for each year in jr. high school to not commit the 'FIVE KNUCKLE CHUCKLE'................................all 365 days of the new year. What was funny was we actually believed we could pull it off. Now, imagine that.................. a teen aged boy or girl trying with all that pent up sexual mojo........ to go a full year. By late January we were climbing the walls like feral cats...............both inside and outside our homes. By Valentine's Day it was obvious we had to wait until late December to TRY AGAIN! Then you had all of those rumors you'd believe..................................THE OLE' CLASSICS EVERYONE HAS HEARD.................You'll go blind or bald or grow a back full of hair and become casted as the next sasquatch in an indie film. Meanwhile some of the pastors who told you "you were shaking hands with the devil." were spotted in the news papers taking showers with eight year old boys. But, at least they weren't MASTURBATORS! I had one friend, even a few years ago, tell me he read where a minister wrote for people experiencing "those feelings" to lay down and look up at the stars. That it would take care of things. I guess as long as you didn't see a constellation that resembled a naked woman or man...................YOU'D BE O.K. But, I digress.........................
I once made a girl I was dating in my twenties really mad one time. I told her I was real 'handy' around the house. She must have thought I meant I kept mine up well and could've come over to help her at her place. She was so disappointed to find out other wise........(smh) Suffice it to say, there is only one person I knew who honestly claimed he'd never given in to the panic. I BELIEVE 'em! Cause in early adulthood he ended up going crazy!
By now I hope you're laughing and reminiscing back to a time when everything seemed so literal. When one slight of hand, pun intended, could determine your eternal fate. This column is to bring about a light hearted gift in a world now which brings shocking uncertainty each passing hour. Don't forget to laugh. May you MASTER all temptations and challenges set before you.
Sincerely,
J.C.B.
