"Of Better Judgement" (A disturbing satire on Black Friday)

Remember when you were a child and you went to the beach.  Frolicking in the surf you soon realized when you looked up that you were several yards to the right of where you had entered the water.  As you wearily walked back to your parents and their beach towels you all realized that you had slowly been swept down the beach in an "undertow."  Undertows, while usually benign, were always alarmingly surprising.  It was a way for the bigger ocean to show you its overall influence over you.

Society as a whole is a lot like that ocean you swam in as a child.  It has a way of pulling us in directions that when we look up we see that as humanity we are at a different place in our history than when we "entered the water" years before.  Such is the dynamic of how we as Americans approach the holiday season.  Instead of the process of family and altruistic endeavors mixed with the compromise of self sacrifice it seems to be total sacrifice of self with the results being loss of passion, service and in some tragic cases even life.

Men all over the country would like to observe only, if they are lucky enough to have wives, children and girlfriends that will let them.  Although, shopping is an ancient concept; the terror of "Black Friday" on the other hand is fairly recent.  Sort of a place that that "undertow" has carried us to without us realizing it fast enough.  So as men let's celebrate our logical study and loathing of this phenomenon, most women loathe it to, by comparing a regular shopping day any other day of the year.

REGULAR SHOPPING THROUGHOUT THE YEAR- (SCHEDULE)

 Mostly 10:05 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.  Includes a break for an hour then again from 3:30-9:00 p.m.  This is the  "soccer mom" schedule, they pick up their children at 3:00 from school so they leave at 2:30 pick them up and hold them hostage by promising ice cream- head back to mall.  Senior adults come in at 10:00 a.m. on the dot since they are already engaging in cardio walks outside stores and leave at 10:05.  (They say: " this is ridiculous-I spent a lifetime doing this and there are no good toilets-besides I do not want to get trampled by soccer moms.")  This dynamic created the concept of birthday cards with money folders inside that hold $20 bills, since they really don't want to shop for snotty grandchildren anyway.


BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING DAY (SCHEDULE)

10% 12:00 A.M. - 12:05 (Those that are trampled to death @Walmart) 40% 12:00 A.M.- 4:00 A.M. Those that are shot by accidentally taking someone else's parking space the shooter thought that they were entitled to) 30% 12:00 A.M.- 12:07) aka- Lunch (Those that are injured while waiting in line at checkout or run over by a husband driven to drink by wife who made him come with her!) 20% 12:00 A.M. to 11:00 P.M. (Those lucky enough to have managed to stay alive but are now criminally insane or atheistic because they now hate Christmas)

REGULAR SHOPPING THROUGHOUT THE YEAR-(WEAPONS)

Ice cream cone (used to bait children into going),  condom (found in teenage son's wallet and used to potentially blackmail him for not complying to go, girlfriend's parents will be notified it needed)

BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING DAY (WEAPONS)

Guns, umbrella tip (for use if you don't have a gun) car (used if the person you wanted to shoot got lost in a crowd but was rediscovered in parking lot) plastic food bag and knives forks (used to suffocate and or stab people in line in front of you at food court.  2,000 pounds of humanity (used to crush security guards or anyone in front of the door at the store you need to get into before them)

REGULAR SHOPPING THROUGHOUT THE YEAR-(SOUNDS/LANGUAGE)

*Layaway
*Credit
*Discount
*Buy one get one free
*Buy one get one half off
*Rebate
*"This will only take a minute"

BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING DAY (SOUNDS/LANGUAGE)

"YOU !@%$#"  
" GO TO H#$L"
Sign response with middle finger of hand
"NO, NO HELP ME!!!!!!!!"
"Probate"
"You have the right to remain silent!"
"I'm converting to Judaism or ATHEISM!"

REGULAR SHOPPING THROUGHOUT THE YEAR-(AFTERMATH/NEXT DAY)

"Thank you honey, let me pay you back!"  "No, no it was on sale and I knew it'd look great on you!"

"Thanks mom!"

BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING DAY-(AFTERMATH/NEXT DAY)

"You're free to go you bail has just been posted!"

"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to pay respect to an individual well loved by their community.  They will be sorely missed yet they are looking down on us with joy!"

Idiot Lil' Halloween Love Story (Children's Version)

                    There once was a candy
                    named SUGAR DADDY
                    Who lived on a shelf.
   One day, stocked on shelf near by, was   
       a young lass named Milky Duddy (Listen people! we have all wondered at one time or another who SUGAR BABY'S mother was? No one knows for sure, so this is the most consistent theory I have-so just freakin' go with it!)
            So it was a love so gooey and sweet (Sorry again! Couldn't resist.)  But one day the stock boy took her away. (Probably due to some obnoxious and cheap Pakistani owner who did not want to pay a certain tax on that item.)  SUGAR DADDY  was downtrodden as he felt that he would never see Milky Duddy again.   But, alas- cheap Pakistani owner's visa was forged and he was shipped back to the land of car bombs and turbans. SUGAR DADDY'S hope was renewed as he knew he may be reunited with Milky  Duddy! So one day an American bought this particular shop and reintroduced Milky Duddy to the store.  SUGAR DADDY was overcome with emotion and he embraced her and stuck to her side (sorry again) never to let her go!

They soon married and had several children named "sugar babies"
They watched with pride as they all grew up and became.........................CAVITIES!
AND EVERY DENTIST ALL ACROSS THE LAND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!


THE END (of my self respect)

"Armed Robbery and A Little Bit of Luv"

Every scenario plays into your mind as you wake up with anticipation to proceed with plans that you had carried out, been revised, tanked and revived with every minute ALL IN YOUR HEAD.  The morning starts out like any clear cool Saturday as you drive past the bank once.  Keep in mind that you have a window of only three hours before they close for the weekend.  So you find a parking lot-more than likely a gas station directly across the street from your targeted bank.  You take some binoculars and gauge into the front door to see who is standing at the desk and who may be working the teller drive through.  You're hoping that it is only a couple of women-ESPECIALLY the youngest, prettiest and most effervescent your primary target at the front desk.  For she is youthful and therefore that much more trusting. Worst case scenario is that it is all guys and some retired war vet standing as security guard named Vince.  But you determine that the one you target-that one that is most youthful, giving and trusting-is not at the front but working the teller station.

You quickly leave the parking lot you used to survey so you will not be detected and you drive down the street another block turn around and enter the parking lot of the bank.  Again, keep in mind you have played out this scenario in your mind OVER AND OVER AGAIN- how quickly you must act-the verbiage you must use- and how fast you must leave the area IN CASE THINGS DON'T GO AS PLANNED.  So you enter the 4 pronged teller station hoping that you enter into the station that just happens to have the teller that you are targeting- THAT PRETTY, YOUNG AND TRUSTING ONE THAT YOU HAD IN MIND!  By an incredible stroke of luck it is her-NO IT'S NOT THE OLDER FEMALE TELLERS WHO ARE MORE WORDLY, KNOWLEDGEABLE AND JADED AND IT'S NOT THE OVERWEIGHT EX VET NAMED VINCE.  NO IT'S HER THE BRIGHTEST APPLE FROM THE TREE-THE ONE THAT IS GOING TO GET NERVOUS- GIVE IN AND GIVE YOU WHAT YOU HAVE WORKED FOR-THAT GREAT PAY OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So you pull in and all the while you should be sweating, choking on your greeting as she greets you-but there is something easy about the moment-TOO EASY! YOU FEEL GREAT AS IF EVERYTHING WILL GO OFF WITHOUT A HITCH! YOU FEEL LIKE THOSE GUYS FROM THOSE OCEAN'S ELEVEN, TWELVE, THIRTEEN AND BY NOW FIFTY MOVIES!  You move your RIGHT HAND from underneath the consul. FOR A SPLIT SECOND SHE TURNS AWAY WHILE YOU ASK HER HOW HER WEEK WENT AS BEGINS TO COUNT THE MONEY IN HER HAND.  RIGHT WHEN SHE LOOKS UP WITH A BEAMING SMILE.................................................YOU SAY.....................

"GIVE ME YOUR HEART AND ALL THAT YOU ARE! I THINK YOU ARE SPECTACULAR AND LOVE THE WAY YOU CARRY YOURSELF! YOU ARE INSPIRING!  CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME TO GO OUT FOR A CUP OF COFFEE OR DESERT".  SHE SMILES BACK BUT HANDS ME MY MONEY FROM A PAYCHECK- NOT FROM SOMEONE ELSES- WITH A SHAKY HAND AND VOICE SHE SAYS YES!  I SMILE BACK KNOWING THAT ALL ROBBERS WILL BE JEALOUS IN THE FUTURE-FOR THIS WAS THE GREATEST HEIST OF ALL TIME AND WHAT IS EVEN MORE SPECTACULAR IS THAT IT WILL NEVER INVOLVE...............

PRISON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Sororities Have Nothing On Us" Our guide to successfully navigating fraternity rush!

A decade ago I read about some women here in Alabama who solicit high school aged coeds for training in etiquette when enduring sorority rush.  At first I thought what a brilliant idea to make money.  And believe me it is.  But at the same time I thought-what a ridiculous invention of douchbaggery!  The idea being PRACTICE- RUSH- BID AND GAIN MEMBERSHIP!  As we all know fraternities are different!  In honor of rush season, which if you are a freshmen, is usually all year, I-Tim Curt (Owner of "X-out" Life Coaching)- hereby nominate myself as the official rush coach for potential pledges.  Those of you outside of the South grab a bag of popcorn and amuse yourself at our peculiar dynamic of manners, chivalry, "properness," tradition and ceremony.  Yes, we get it that sororities and fraternities are in every section of the country.  BUT only in the South are fraternities and sororities in the hearts of all of us.

SORORITY RUSH                                                         

(1) Have handy pair of flip flops                                 
      to get rid of high heels as you                                      
      move from house to house                                           
                                                                                             
(2)  Always keep your purse stocked                               
       with the essentials: oil, blotting                                 
       papers, baby wipes, mirrors,
       make up, deo and sanitizing gel                           
                                                                                             
(3) Ask questions                                                               
                                                                       
(4) Get plenty of rest and vitamin C                             
                                                                                               
(5) Be honest with yourself                                                  
                                                                                             
(6) Do meet everyone you can                                        
                                                                                               
(7) Do be yourself and show off                                           
      your personal style
                                                                                           
(8) Don't be afraid to eat or drink                                       
      anything that's offered
                                                                                           
(9) Don't talk about boys or partying
                                                                                           
(10) Don't hold grudges or blame                                        
        anyone if you don't make it                                           

(11) Accessorize well but modestly                                 
        jewelry
                                                                                           
(12) Wear best fitting but appropriate                                
         attire with bright colors
                                                                                           
(13) Hold tea cups with right hand and
        never sip while conversing                                       

(14) Stand until asked to be seated   

FRATERNITY RUSH 

(1) Hell, just walk around barefooted like a slob, especially when you are taken into a room that is dark and described as "full of glass" after all - it's just corn chips

(2) Always keep your pocket stocked with mini shots-a good alibi-condoms-and as many fake I.D.s as possible

(3) Make statements of grandeur concerning your personal life

(4) You will get plenty of rest-just make sure you SLEEP INSIDE!

(5) Lie, because more than likely she will know your girlfriend!

(6) Do meet every lawyer you can!

(7) Do be yourself by dropping your pants and displaying who is the alpha male!

(8) Don't EAT OR DRINK ANYTHING OFFERED!

(10) WE'RE GUYS WE DON'T CARE!

(11) CLOTHING IS OPTIONAL!

(12) Vomit profusely and you will be wearing bright colors

(13) Place empty bottles on the head of a passed out international student

(14) If the room is spinning-fall down onto the nearest couch, flower bed lawn or floor!

* MOST IMPORTANTLY-   HAVE A GREAT AND INJURY FILLED YEAR!

Sincerely,


Tim Curt


                          
                                                                                                    

                                                                                            
                                                                                                   

                                                                                             
                                                                                                    
                                                                                            

"NLFL (No Longer Fraternity League) Draft Results

                                                                    Round One

LOWES HARDWARE-

FRANKLIN PIERCE- Georgia Tech

Fort Lowell City Schools:

LUKE JACKSON- Southern Methodist

Party Extravaganza Seasonal Supply Store:

WALKER PRESTON- Eckard College

MELLOW MUSHROOM :

JASON STONE (D)- UNC-Chapel Hill

Roly Poly: Traded picks with "Hooters" which moves up to number 5.  Roly Poly moves out of draft all together but has two picks for next year.  Hooters now waits until next also to pick again.

"We really wanted Jason, with his fantastic experience with cannabis.  But, our fears were realized when out primary divisional rivals Mellow Mushroom grabbed him.  Although, this is so  we feel that next year's draft will have more depth providing prospects with similar skill sets.  We need  more depth as much of our staff are now moving to homeless shelters.  Although, we have not seen a prospect like Jason in some time we felt that two guys will get trained well for the same position and will  do almost as good a job as he may have.  Jason's agent was asking for a contract that may have placed us over the salary cap!"

HOOTERS:

SHANE DENSON- Florida State

"Shane's record with women speaks for itself.  Since our company was started in the Tampa Bay area we wanted "home grown" talent that understands the area well.  We are pleased with this selection and expect big things from him."

Columbus City Parks & Recreation:

Pick forfeited due to mismanagement of funds and embezzlement

BUFFALO WILD WINGS:

trades pick to Hooters for their marketing department coordinator.  Automatically moves out of this year's draft and will not draft until 2001.

"We felt that we already had a stacked roster and saw no one who could fit a roster need we already had.  We feel that we have a "Super Bowl" Sunday roster team dynamic and with our addition in free agency we should now be able to attract more patrons in future seasons to come with some of the coolest commercials on t.v."

DOMINOE'S PIZZA:

SHELTON HARRIS- UCLA

"We are so very pleased with this pick.  I told our team if we were patient the draft would come to us.  We foresaw some of the trades and forfeitures.  We also saw no teams needing Mr. Harris' unique skill set before we picked.  We love his ability to move quickly from house to house along with his calloused and powerful knuckles that telegraph notation of a visitor all through even the largest of homes."

CITY OF BIRMINGHAM ALABAMA SEWER & WATER BOARD:

CHARLIE HENDERSON-YALE UNIVERSITY

Detroit City School System:

JOHN GREENWOOD- UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS

"We feel that John's experience with multiple weaponry and hostile disposition will serve him well in our school system where although students are not allowed to bring weapons teachers are advised to!"

JOHN DEERE:

Leaves draft all together and selects undocumented migrant workers in free agency from the Guatamalan developmental league along with other free agents from APOSTLE PETER'S RETIREMENT COMMUNITY. 

"We are well over our salary cap and by not having to pay as much with undocumented workers we can shuffle back inside our cap space and hopefully be able to sign a couple of free agents from even more retirement communities to fill in as doorway greeters."

HEATON & HALE ATTORNEYS AT LAW:

Trade out into next year's draft also.  Will get Birmingham Sewer & Water Board's second round pick next year by shipping some attorneys to them.

"We really wanted Charlie but couldn't trade up high enough to land him.  Our biggest rival there in Alabama got him.  We thought being so close to him here in Philadelphia he'd be a good fit.  What's worse is Birmingham was the only team with similar needs, so unfortunately they were the only reasonable trade partner.  What's even worse is that they clearly got the  better end of the bargain, looks like they hosed us just like they did to all of their tax paying citizens in 2011 there in Jefferson County, Alabama.  But, the silver lining is that next year's draft is so deep in prospects that there should be multiple rounds instead of one as is this year."

MATCH.COM:

GARLAND NEWSOME- San Jose State

"We loved the fact that he could manipulate so many soft ware dynamics, where he could steal personal profiles from Facebook, Link'd In and even other dating sites and paste them onto ours.  We also liked the fact that he knew what to say online as he will come in handy when we ask him to pretend to speak to actual paying customers making them think they are actually talking to someone who cares.  Over half of our profiles are forged and are ones that have long since expired.  We feel that he can take us to an even more advanced, pathetic scum level than ever before."

"NLFL (No Longer Fraternity League) Draft Prospectus- College Dropout Addition

To precede with my fraternity vs. sorority piece I thought I would introduce the fraternity theme for a minute.  This fall I will coach up our neophytes on the art of gaining a bid and joining a fraternity.  Now, seven years, or so-maybe longer,our men are now ready to graduate, dropout or can no longer be allowed back on their selective campuses.  This means the "real world."  In other words, a life of cynicism, disappointment and unrealized dreams.  But, even with that dynamic ominously hovering, these young clydesdales still have much to offer.  After all, they have been shaped by the few tricks of the trade that fraternity life has offered.

Each April the National Football League has their draft for college juniors and seniors who have used up their eligibility and have reserves of talent to offer the sport.  The same rule applies to fraternity lettermen, save for the fact that some have graduated while others have been expelled from school.   They now need to avoid moving back in with their parents.  So instead of teams such as the Bengals, Lions and Falcons- now drafting are such teams as Lowe's Hardware, Dominoes and other low paying gigs.  Some may get lucky by being drafted by "super bowl" caliber teams such as law firms, although these prospects usually have a short career when they go to prison for charges such as embezzlement.  Just like pro football and sports fantasy league publications we here at MAWP will first introduce the companies (akin to teams in the NFL, the prospects and a summary of their college highlights and general abilities, each companies (teams) needs and then the results of the of this year's draft.  There will be only one round since: (1) the economy has hit teams/companies hard (2) there are not enough quality prospects and I am too lazy to cover more.  So hose those job fairs as they are a glorious waste of time.  Besides, this is much more entertaining any way.  It is our hope that you readers enjoy our first publications as much as we hated creating it:  WELCOME TO OUR FIRST EDITION OF MAWP NFL  (no longer fraternity league) draft/fantasy league prospectus and results synopsis.

NFL TEAMS/COMPANIES

(1) Lowe's Hardware
(2) Ft. Lowell City Schools
(3) Columbus City Department of Parks and Recreation
(4) Party Extravaganza Halloween Party Connection
(5) Mellow Mushroom
(6) Buffalo Wild Wings
(7) Hooters
(8) Domino's Pizza
(9) City of Birmingham (alabama) Water and Sewer Works
(10) Detroit City Schools
(11) John Deere
(12) Keaton & Hale Attorneys at Law
(13) Match.com
(14) Roly Poly

Prospects:

Jason Stone (d) UNC-CHAPEL HILL:  "Jason has a rare talent to roll weed roaches in groups of ten under five minutes.  He has been the primary 'Mary Jane' distributor at UNC  for 7 years without one arrest to his name.  Once raised $20,000 for his fraternity Alpha Phi Omega from distribution.

Strengths:

raised $20,000 yearly from weed sales
never arrested (ability to stay on the field)
vast capacity to smoke blounts while standing upright in the same spot for hours.

Weaknesses:

* Low percentage of brain cells!  Limited vocabulary due to low percentage of brain cells.

Shelton Harrison: University of California-Los Angeles:  Has a knack for knocking on numerous sorority house doors only to expose himself to surprised coeds or leave a plastic bag of animal waste lit on fire on door step, with massive ability to cover every house on sorority row withine thirty minutes.

Strengths:

* Ability to elude police and dart into dark ally ways
* Can squeeze through the smallest of spaces
* Strong knuckles from knocking on so many doors

Weaknesses:  Did not yield as many tips from coeds as some other guys may have for his "exposure" techniques, but did receive them university dean's wives across campus.


Walker Preston: Eckard College: Once and a decade party thrower.  His parties are legendary and have been known to involve farm equipment, farm animals, and assorted weapons.  Every sheriff, magistrate, judge, farmer, farm supply story owner, PETA and the EPA have either come to cite, arrest or shoot him- but were all coerced into staying to party due to his charisma.  Has innate ability to make all of these people become friends with him after one evening.

Strengths: 

*Always able to get charges dropped for multiple potential felonies
* HIGHLIGHT: Steven Tyler once visited one of his parties

Weaknesses:

*Did spend two days in Jail but charges were dropped
*Will die young due to someone seeking retribution for one of his acts.

Charlie Henderson: Yale University: Was treasurer of his fraternity for 6 years running- was able to raise $50,000 during his time @ Alpha
Phi Omega, but money was never properly circulated through the house or into national panhellenic headquarters as well, who has no record of this surplus amount.

Strengths:

*Able to afford lavish dinners for his dates during formal season
*Able to afford new Land Rovers on an annual basis inspite of having no job and that fact that both his parents are middle school teachers.

Weaknesses:   always one step away from being convicted of embezzlement.

Luke Jackson: Southern Methodist University: has the uncanny and sheepish ability to believe a coed will go back to his room with him if he holds her cup and vomits or left over food off of the couches, tables or floors before she uses it.

Strengths:

*Able to mop floors, bag and round up bottles with one arm while vacuuming crumbs off of couches and tables

* Still committed to cleaning up his fraternity house even as a senior

*Team player as he is easily willing to be bullied by freshmen pledges that pass their duties on to him.

Weaknesses:

*Never was able to get many coeds up into his room, although once coerced an inebriated Japanese exchange student to his room but later had to clean up her vomit once she passed out on his floor only minutes after they entered his room.

John Greenwood: University of Arkansas: has innate ability to shoot squirrels, pets and rival fans of his university's athletic teams in areas that incapacitate them with one shot.  Resourceful and expert marksman with pistols, compound bows, slingshots, hand held rocks and hardened frozen beef steaks from "house" freezer.

Strengths:

*Alwasy ready to take on anyone anytime.

Weaknesses:

* Rival fraternities, athletic sports fans and even some organized crime syndicates have him on their "kill list."

Franklin Pierce Georgia Tech: Once in a century ability to unlock any door on campus and break into sensory sensitive apparatus that can set off alarms and notify authorities.

Strengths:

* Can make a key or sharp object from any metal known to man that can open any door whether that be cars, sororities or class room buildings. 

* Has stolen exam documents and forged grades, SS numbers and doctoral dissertations (for copy and forgery) on numerous occasions without detection.

* Instrumental in his fraternity having the highest GPA on campus last year.

Weaknesses:

* Lowlight was breaking into science arts building to change clocks back four hours during exam week-sophomore year.  Unfortunately, by the time he left the building he thought he was on the actual time and flunked that course the next day by missing his exam, along with the other 1/4 of the campus of fall semester that year.

Shane Denson: Florida State University:   Fantastic awareness of knowing what women want but not caring one bit about providing it and still coming away with positive responses from them.

Strengths:

*Strikingly handsome
*Able to coax women he has repeatedly stalked, imporperly touched or sexually harassed to drop complaints or charges potentially levied against him on a consistent basis. 
*Able to manage 'well endowed' and scantily clad coeds into properly greeting party goers, bringing beer to their tables and preparing/serving food at football tailgate or fraternity mixer parties.
*Well acquainted with a large network of plastic surgeons.

Weaknesses:

*Can make cocktails but is inexperienced and drinks tend to be "too watery"
*Prospects of dying young are possible due to chance meeting with a lesbian or feminist.

Garland Newsome: San Jose State: Other wordly knack for doctoring photographs and public/private records through multiple electronic apparatus.

Strengths:

*Career Highlights- when he caused Facebook to nearly crash by being able to solicit a quarter of the world's population to either tag or accept his friend requests.

Weaknesses: FBI is well aware of him.

TEAM/COMPANY NEEDS PROFILE:

(1) Lowe's Hardware: equipment producer-key locksmith department manager.

(2) Fort Lowell City Schools: janitorial and maintenance coordinator

(3) Party Extravaganza: events coordinator, marketing and costume design

(4) Mellow Mushroom:  line cook with possibility for management track

(5) Columbus City Parks & Recreation: landscaping and parks manager

(6) Roly Poly: line cook with possibility for management track

(7) Buffalo Wild Wings: bartender

(8) Hooters: manager, bartender

(9) Domino's: driver-deliver

(10) City of Birmingham Sewer & Water Board: Treasurer

(11) Detroit City Schools: Teacher-Resouce Officer

(12) John Deer: Parts Manager

(13) Keaton & Hale Attorney's @ Law: Attorney

(14) Match.com: Web coordinator

Irreverent Study of Adolescence In The South (Jewish vs. Gentile)

   Everyone knows that Jewish culture has a period where young men and women are ceremoniously introduced into adulthood.  Their rituals as are known are called Bar Mitzva and Bat Mitzva.  What society does not know is that Gentile, southern, suburban and agrarian America also has a "coming of age" ritual, where sons and daughters are passed into adulthood mirroring their Hebrew counter parts.  The ritual of Bar Mitzva means Son of Commandment.  The Gentile ritual is known as Son of a Bitch (for girls it's just Bitch). Since I have a P.H.D in sociology I thought I would introduce this social phenomenon by comparing and contrasting elements from both of them.  Study them thoroughly as you may be tested.

                                                                                                  
                                                                                                               
                                                                                              


Bar/Bat Mitzva "Son/Daughter of Commandment"                                   

(1) Meticulous study and memorization                                   
     of portions of Torah (Brachot-speak                                         
     Maftir-read and the Haftarah, d, var                                            
     Torah also "The calling up on the                                             
     1st Sabbath of the 13th birthday)                                             
                                                                                                        
(2) "The Se'udah" (celebratory feast where                             
        child is honored)                                                                
                                                                                                          
(3) Lavish parties                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
                                                                                                         
(4) Gifts: books with religious value,                                              
      religious items, writing implements                                           
      and monetary items
                                                                                                    
(5)   Completing a Tzedakeh (event to                                             
        raise money for a charity of the                                               
        Bar Mitzva's choice)                                                                  
                                                                                                         
(6)   Family of the Bar Mitzva often                                              
       honored with an "Aliyah" i.e.                                             
       calling family up to podium.                                                       
       Torah is passed from grandfather/Mother                                              
       to father/mother to 13 year old    




Gentile "Son of a Bitch"/"Bitch"     

(1) Dad/Mom taking you to the lake to teach you how to vomit out of the boat after your first beer and chew.  Also, memorization of who Miss/Mister March, April, July and October are.

(2)  Large feast of more beer, refer, tobacco dip, catfish and pheasant ( where child is honored when dad tells him he was arrested and that son could do no worse).

(3)  Party: calling your uncle, aunts, a few cousins, sisters and brothers-getting together and smoking weed and passing out by the campfire

(4) Charity event:  "Getting mad at a nearby driver and throwing loose change from Dad's console through their window"

(5) Gifts: one year subscription to "Penthouse," empty promise that you'll go to 'Vegas soon, skoal and a fake I.D.    

(6)  Family honored with court hearing where they are called in front of judge one month later to describe assault and disorderly conduct charge.  Shame is passed from grandfather to father to son (also grandmother to mother to daughter).


Dr. Shenanigans P.H.D. (Prick Head Drunk)                                                
                                                                                                         

                                                                                                   
                                                                                                         
                                                                                                        
                                                                                                          
                                                                                                         

                                                                                                    
                                                                                                         
                                                                                                         
                                                                                                         
                                                                                                         
                                                                                                        
                                                                                                        
                                                                                                  



DR. Shenanigans (P.H.D.-Prick Head Drunk)

"Twenty-Five Julys 'Till August"

Elton John pulsed dashboard out
proclaiming a memory-my memory
was permissible to
summon me one month forward

Oh, that lonely cassette tape
belched from radio leaked into that
white room corner, forlorn
west wing of home

A childhood memory
sitting at times alone
That adolescent flash in colored visions and tones
concerning the end of summer

To start as a seventh grader
to stop all the innocence
that was Don Henley
When we were Destin, Florida vacation restrained

That night I feared all that was new
but slept cautiously
not knowing
my adolescent days were few

I hated that school could not start in September
Elton John pulsed dashboard out caused that fact to be remembered
That it was only July-that you'd make it soon enough
As for this time your weakening heat, I would not rebuff

Smiling at you now I no longer wish you away
Looking back on that 1989 summer eve's sway

I thankfully smile out into the rain
And thankfully pray to all those Julys which brought me to this one
To remind me that you were not so bad
I bid ado until three more weeks-I will finally appreciate you in three more weeks.

*Work about how a song can remind you of a crystalized moment in your childhood stating what month of the year and season in your life it which it reminds you.

J.C.B.

SECOND ROUND OF ROAD SIGN FUN FOR SUMMER SCHOOL!

      Alright Driver's Ed Drivels.  Per our second lesson here in summer school we will review road signs.  The next one has a common meaning but per our exam if you write the standard meaning you will fail.  Times have changed and so have the meanings of road signs.  Now there are new and more savy meanings.  If you don't know them you will probably be arrested in the future and at least fail here in the present.




STANDARD AND OUTDATED MEANING:









NEW AND RESOURCEFUL MEANING:




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                                     MOBILE PROSTITUTION!





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Comical and New Versions of Each States Seal Representation "Fourth Of July Special"

Several weeks ago, while driving home to visit my family for father's day I noticed a couch on the side of the interstate as I made my drive an hour northeast to my home town.  I thought to myself that is very appropriate since this represents what is in the front yard of most houses in Alabama, at least in the minds of outsiders.  So in regards to geography and sociology I thought we would take a day out of the year and pretend that "we the people" have the control to change state seals and come up with a new list per each state by determining: what is commonly found in front yards of that said state thus representing that state as a new state seal.  For example in Alabama (state full of rednecks) we have a hole worn couch.

Arkansas: "Broken down white Ford truck"  (pick up-no not O.J. Simpsons former Bronco)

Arizona: "space aliens and border patrol agents laid asunder filled with bullet holes"

California: "Passed out hippie holding an unpaid government bond in one hand and a weed bag in another."

Colorado: "See California except for bond notes but with a snow jacket and wearing skis"

Connecticut: "Family passed out wearing gas mask to shelter winds that blow in from New Jersey and Long Island"

Delaware: "Nothing- state is not physically large enough"

Florida: "Mosquitos the size of dogs sucking the last amount of blood from a dying individual"

Georgia: "See Arkansas but with coca cola bottles laid around along with moon pie wrappers"

Hawaii: "Surfboards"

Idaho: "Potatoes and thus now every health club chain available to encourage folks to kick carbs to the curb."

Illinois: "Pools of high fructose corn syrup from Monsanto Corps"

Indiana: "Fallen rusty basketball goal rim only Larry Bird could love, lying in corn stalks"

Iowa: "See Illinois but with less yards"

Kansas: "Scythe laid next to bailed wheat pile with photo of Harry Truman on top"

Kentucky: " See Indiana-but with moonshine bottles and bullet shells and holes next to and on backboard respectively."

Louisiana: " Not enough time to describe-would give nightmares"

Maine: "lobster crates"

Maryland: "Sewage washed up from Chesapeake Bay (although real stench blows over from D.C.)

Massachusetts: "Norm Peterson" passed out with his favorite spirit in hand

Michigan: "Eminem and Kid Rock in handcuffs"

Minnesota: "No one goes outside too cold so there are no front yards"

Mississippi: "See Alabama and Georgia but with Ku Klux Klan "robe included"

Missouri: "No more yards-keep getting washed away each spring when Mississippi floods over"

Montana: "not many front yards-next house ten miles away"

Nevada: "Sand! and empty foreclosed homes in sand!"

New Hampshire: "Brilliantly beautiful hardwood autumn trees-BLOWN DOWN BY ATLANTIC 'NOREASTERS"

New Jersey: "Dead person filled with bullet holes with odd cement squares on feet"

New Mexico: "Same as Nevada but without foreclosed houses or houses for that matter instead t-pees."

New York: "Billy Joel passed out with bottle in hand"

North Carolina: "White water raft and effigy of Andy Griffith"

North Dakota: "Dried oil shell deposits from FRACKING"

Ohio: "Petition to succeed Cleveland from state boundaries and place it in Michigan with Detroit" 

Oklahoma: "Someone else's yard, house, cars, and pets due to severe tornadoes"

Oregon: See California minus faulted bonds plus spruce trees plus any nut that has tied themselves to those spruce trees"

Pennsylvania: "Who cares- I need a break"

Rhode Island: "Rhodes Scholars-Hey I Tried?"

South Carolina: "Any government official from Washington D.C. tied to a tree, draped in a Confederate flag with a "succession" letter in their mouth"

Tennessee: " Dolly Parton photos next to moonshine and broken down white Ford pickup"

Texas: "See South Carolina but with rifle held against federal employee's head with stetson hat on it."

Utah: " Young men in navy slacks, ties and white dress shirts on bikes constantly standing by door posts (this phenomenon is now in every state also)"

Vermont: "Tourist passed out from diabetic coma due to intake of syrup from maple tree tourist site."

Virginia: "Congressmen hiding behind trees in their underwear because it's not their home and surely not their wife."

Washington: "FBI agents in raincoats looking for the most current serial murder suspect, more hippies.......soaked in rain"

West Virginia: "Homemade signs signifying John Denver's burial site along with banjo"

Wisconsin: "Vomit-since the whole state smells like cheese and beer plus photo of Vince Lombardi"

Wyoming: "Cowboys alone by sheep with laso in one hand and laptop watching "Broke Back Mountain"

"World's Most Idiotic Auto Self Xpression Advertisement- OF ALL TIME!"

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                Citizen's Against


                                                     BUMPER STICKERS



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"Those Silly Questions"

     There are certain things we here at MAWP we believe in.  Charity is the essence of keeping a society pliable.   We have always been hardy advocates of donating blood.  With that being said, it is not for everyone but it is a noble endeavor (if you can stand blood and needles). We understand the line of questioning the nurses have to ask about personal background, but suffice it to say some are still pretty dumb.  Our favorite is the one where they ask you if you have AIDS.  We can see the logic if you do have it.  We guess in the event that you do your blood could be donated to a patient who already has AIDS or they can know that your donation must be rejected per healthy candidates and the staff attending can take extra precautions.  But, still who may want to openly proclaim this?  In light of this we thought we would compare the types of questions we get here in America compared to say Mexico. After all, health care and sanitation are unequal when comparing these countries.  In the left column will be the U.S. and in the right Mexico. Let's now take a closer look:

America                                                        Mexico

Have you spent time with a prostitute?          Have you spent time with prostitutes?

Have you visited Europe over the past           Have you visited America only to
three years?                                                    be deported again?

Have you spent more than 72 hours               Do you know or listen to Ricky Martin?
in a jail or prison?

Have you had a skin graft?                             Have you cut off and grafter someone's
                                                                        skin onto yours?

Have you had cancer?                                     Have you smuggled cocaine in your
                                                                         liver?

Do you have a tattoo?                                      Did you spend spring break in                                      
                                                                          Panama City, FL.?                                        

Have you had sex with a man?                        Did you once listen to Munudo?

*After such an analysis it is plain to see that what may be a "dumb" question in one country may not be in another.  So with that in mind-DO NOT EVER DO SOMETHING TO NEED A BLOOD TRANSFUSION WHILE IN MEXICO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!