"Soul Searching-True Love" Valentine's Day 2019

I surmised if my life had been 'normal' like most of my friends, I might have had children late elementary/jr. high age by now.  This is what my logical inner self told myself last Saturday night as I was driving to my blind date for dinner with A .......but that story will come later.......there is one much more important I must tell first.  I hope whoever reads this will use it as a tool for growth.

You see, back when I was a student at the University of Alabama; I was like most hot blooded kids in that I thought love was only about the erotic, the physical.  I chose who I wanted and not wanted to date based off of this wasteful and fleeting construct.  Sad truth is, in our modern times that is what pretty much everyone does younger than 50 years of age or so.  Enter M.  She was smart, giving, soul affirming and the type of person that shows a young man the opportunity to learn what real love is.  She gave me every opportunity to commit to her.  Being caught up in the physical, I did not have the ability to give her the right kind of guy.  The guy who appreciates the right qualities in the right people. The type of guy I am now, now that it is TOO LATE with M.  I kept looking for more "bells & whistles, thinking that the "grass would be greener on the other side." She did the only thing she could do and eventually married another guy.  I did the only thing I knew how to do all through my twenties and a few years into my thirties.  That was emphasizing the wrong traits in finding true love.  That was failing miserably in finding it.  That was getting a taste of my own bitter medicine when women would overlook all my soul sustaining qualities because they were operating from an immature and superficial perspective themselves.  ''Birds of a feather, flock together," as the old proverbial saying goes. And believe me those types poop in each other's nest.


...........NOW BACK TO SATURDAY NIGHT

My blind date was suppose to be everything the "old me" wanted.  The friends who set us up described her as exotic, international (she was Colombian)  and very physically attractive.  She was all those things. As we sat there at dinner it was a good news/bad news dynamic.  The bad news is the "old me" came back out.  The good news was it showed itself in her, not me.  From the moment we sat down I could tell by her body language that I was not meeting that preconceived check list she had taken to dinner in her mind.  Little did she know she was fading with me quickly as well.  The 'old me' would have abandoned all rationality in disappointment with what most guys would have died to have at that moment.  The "new me" needed something more.  The "new me" was not going to indulge himself in something fleeting and superficial.  The 'old me' would have been really despondent that this 'perfect' date would not make it to a second. The 'new me' felt dissatisfied. The 'new me' wanted something more tangible. Something that M., during those years down at Alabama, would have given me.

It is my hope that this gift I give to whoever reads this for Valentine's Day is a gift that lasts a life time.  I write this wanting you to realize that true love: requires sacrifice, an open mind and loving someone for what type of inner qualities they have.  Physical attraction and the erotic are excellent tools to help build a solid bond, but they should never be a reason for that bond.  I went to a retreat three years ago about sex addiction, love and marriage. No, I'm not a sex addict! Place jokes here!  But, sex addiction is a topic that is pervasive and dangerous.  It is important to discuss.  It is a result of a society that emphasizes the wrong qualities in people.  It definitely is destroying our society.  The speaker stated something I will never forget.  He said that sexual arousal is much more intense when couples love each other based off of qualities such as mutual respect, sacrifice and an altruistic perception of your partner (i.e. loving a person for what is inside, instead of strictly how they look or immediately arouse you sexually)

As a culture we are emphasizing the fleeting at the expense of the lasting.  I hope tonight when you go out to dinner with that special someone you can look across that table and realize a deeper them.  I hope you can realize that deeper you sitting in your seat.  I hope tonight if you are alone or with a group of friends you take time to study people, to study yourself.  Learn from your/ their sustaining qualities.  Learn from your/ their fleeting ones as well.  Learn from people's successes and their failures. Change your perception of what true love really is.  If you do, Valentine's Day just might become your everyday of the year.

Happy Valentine's Day


              J.C.B.

"A Moment's Time" Art of Passing Along Altruistic Integrity

Usually, when I show up on here I have a clear distinction concerning what I want to write.  I know how I want to engage and entertain.  This morning my thoughts feel jumbled but I write knowing this may just be the most affirming and powerful message I say. It will be so, not only on here, but anywhere at any time.  As a matter of fact, I just came up with the title five minutes ago after much inner debate.

Yesterday morning a line in my personal growth was drawn in the proverbial sand.  My father came into my office and flatly stated he was going to the dermatologist's office to treat melanoma.  It took me several hours to wrap my mind around the fact my dad had cancer.  But, it took me only a few minutes to fret about the news as the cognitive dissonance was complete and reality set into focus.  Sure, he was getting it removed and had told me that the physician had gotten all of it and it had not made it's way out of the skin.  Still, there is that moment of reflection when you start to ponder what the future holds for all of us.

Having never been married or having the opportunity to start a family of my own my loved one's longevity in this world is something I consider at least once a week.  Married people, although, would certainly feel loss as would anyone else of a loved one, have some one to fall back on emotionally in the event if a parent passes.  For a single person the prospect of losing a parent before senior age hits a portion of the soul deeper than it would someone with a family.  In a strange way I have emotionally prepared myself for a moment like this for several years.  I have done so knowing there may be a possibility things don't work out with me and the family thing and I am in the long haul alone when my parents pass.

I have lately thought of myself as someone who is on a maturity level appropriate with their age.  But, yesterday I realized I was ahead of curve.  In my twenties and a good portion of my thirties I was not. Over the past couple of years I have fantasized about owning my role as the older brother who saves my younger brother and my mother on an emotional level when my father passes.  Yesterday, I realized I could be just that.  It was liberating and affirming.

In two days time I will be sitting across a table at an upscale establishment in Atlanta, GA.  At that same table will be a beautiful female transplant from Columbia, South America.  At least that is what my matchmaker said when she sent me an e-mail two weeks ago of her bio.  Sure, I have reengaged with a matchmaking firm in Atlanta I used two years ago.  Sure, I feel slight pressure to make it work with someone each time I make the drive from east Alabama over there knowing my membership expires in June.  I don't know what will take place in two nights.  Although, I value this person, it does not matter to me as much anymore if she accepts me for who I am.  She is a stranger up until we meet and she owes me nothing except common courtesy and kindness we should all give to one another.  For that matter, I have realized after yesterday's news that I am content if only a few more people ever love me for me again in my LIFE. 

So many people out there have never met their parents or a parent.  So many out there have been told verbally or in action they are not loved by their parents or parent.  I have been blessed to have never experienced that.  More than likely my father will keep going back to the dermatologist and will keep getting good reports.  In the event it does not work that way I have had an amazing run with him and all the things he has taught me.  How to invaluably give and sacrifice in love.  I am preparing now to pay that forward whenever both my parents are called home to Christ.  I am practicing it right now.  In two nights from now, in Atlanta, nothing will be guaranteed. In the doctor's office nothing will be certain.  In life............we all know the answer by now.

NON OF THIS MATTERS BECAUSE I HAVE LEARNED SACRIFICE AND WHAT I CALL ALTRUISTIC INTEGRITY FROM THOSE WHO CARED SO MUCH FOR WHO I AM AND NOT WHAT I ACCOMPLISH.  THAT BEING BOTH MY PARENTS, TRUE FRIENDS AND CHRIST ALONE.  I CAN ENTER THE BATTLE FIELD OF LIFE AND PASS IT ALONG FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS.................I AM READY TO PAY IT FORWARD!

Happy Valentine's Day

            J.C.B.

           2019