To precede with my fraternity vs. sorority piece I thought I would introduce the fraternity theme for a minute. This fall I will coach up our neophytes on the art of gaining a bid and joining a fraternity. Now, seven years, or so-maybe longer,our men are now ready to graduate, dropout or can no longer be allowed back on their selective campuses. This means the "real world." In other words, a life of cynicism, disappointment and unrealized dreams. But, even with that dynamic ominously hovering, these young clydesdales still have much to offer. After all, they have been shaped by the few tricks of the trade that fraternity life has offered.
Each April the National Football League has their draft for college juniors and seniors who have used up their eligibility and have reserves of talent to offer the sport. The same rule applies to fraternity lettermen, save for the fact that some have graduated while others have been expelled from school. They now need to avoid moving back in with their parents. So instead of teams such as the Bengals, Lions and Falcons- now drafting are such teams as Lowe's Hardware, Dominoes and other low paying gigs. Some may get lucky by being drafted by "super bowl" caliber teams such as law firms, although these prospects usually have a short career when they go to prison for charges such as embezzlement. Just like pro football and sports fantasy league publications we here at MAWP will first introduce the companies (akin to teams in the NFL, the prospects and a summary of their college highlights and general abilities, each companies (teams) needs and then the results of the of this year's draft. There will be only one round since: (1) the economy has hit teams/companies hard (2) there are not enough quality prospects and I am too lazy to cover more. So hose those job fairs as they are a glorious waste of time. Besides, this is much more entertaining any way. It is our hope that you readers enjoy our first publications as much as we hated creating it: WELCOME TO OUR FIRST EDITION OF MAWP NFL (no longer fraternity league) draft/fantasy league prospectus and results synopsis.
NFL TEAMS/COMPANIES
(1) Lowe's Hardware
(2) Ft. Lowell City Schools
(3) Columbus City Department of Parks and Recreation
(4) Party Extravaganza Halloween Party Connection
(5) Mellow Mushroom
(6) Buffalo Wild Wings
(7) Hooters
(8) Domino's Pizza
(9) City of Birmingham (alabama) Water and Sewer Works
(10) Detroit City Schools
(11) John Deere
(12) Keaton & Hale Attorneys at Law
(13) Match.com
(14) Roly Poly
Prospects:
Jason Stone (d) UNC-CHAPEL HILL: "Jason has a rare talent to roll weed roaches in groups of ten under five minutes. He has been the primary 'Mary Jane' distributor at UNC for 7 years without one arrest to his name. Once raised $20,000 for his fraternity Alpha Phi Omega from distribution.
Strengths:
raised $20,000 yearly from weed sales
never arrested (ability to stay on the field)
vast capacity to smoke blounts while standing upright in the same spot for hours.
Weaknesses:
* Low percentage of brain cells! Limited vocabulary due to low percentage of brain cells.
Shelton Harrison: University of California-Los Angeles: Has a knack for knocking on numerous sorority house doors only to expose himself to surprised coeds or leave a plastic bag of animal waste lit on fire on door step, with massive ability to cover every house on sorority row withine thirty minutes.
Strengths:
* Ability to elude police and dart into dark ally ways
* Can squeeze through the smallest of spaces
* Strong knuckles from knocking on so many doors
Weaknesses: Did not yield as many tips from coeds as some other guys may have for his "exposure" techniques, but did receive them university dean's wives across campus.
Walker Preston: Eckard College: Once and a decade party thrower. His parties are legendary and have been known to involve farm equipment, farm animals, and assorted weapons. Every sheriff, magistrate, judge, farmer, farm supply story owner, PETA and the EPA have either come to cite, arrest or shoot him- but were all coerced into staying to party due to his charisma. Has innate ability to make all of these people become friends with him after one evening.
Strengths:
*Always able to get charges dropped for multiple potential felonies
* HIGHLIGHT: Steven Tyler once visited one of his parties
Weaknesses:
*Did spend two days in Jail but charges were dropped
*Will die young due to someone seeking retribution for one of his acts.
Charlie Henderson: Yale University: Was treasurer of his fraternity for 6 years running- was able to raise $50,000 during his time @ Alpha
Phi Omega, but money was never properly circulated through the house or into national panhellenic headquarters as well, who has no record of this surplus amount.
Strengths:
*Able to afford lavish dinners for his dates during formal season
*Able to afford new Land Rovers on an annual basis inspite of having no job and that fact that both his parents are middle school teachers.
Weaknesses: always one step away from being convicted of embezzlement.
Luke Jackson: Southern Methodist University: has the uncanny and sheepish ability to believe a coed will go back to his room with him if he holds her cup and vomits or left over food off of the couches, tables or floors before she uses it.
Strengths:
*Able to mop floors, bag and round up bottles with one arm while vacuuming crumbs off of couches and tables
* Still committed to cleaning up his fraternity house even as a senior
*Team player as he is easily willing to be bullied by freshmen pledges that pass their duties on to him.
Weaknesses:
*Never was able to get many coeds up into his room, although once coerced an inebriated Japanese exchange student to his room but later had to clean up her vomit once she passed out on his floor only minutes after they entered his room.
John Greenwood: University of Arkansas: has innate ability to shoot squirrels, pets and rival fans of his university's athletic teams in areas that incapacitate them with one shot. Resourceful and expert marksman with pistols, compound bows, slingshots, hand held rocks and hardened frozen beef steaks from "house" freezer.
Strengths:
*Alwasy ready to take on anyone anytime.
Weaknesses:
* Rival fraternities, athletic sports fans and even some organized crime syndicates have him on their "kill list."
Franklin Pierce Georgia Tech: Once in a century ability to unlock any door on campus and break into sensory sensitive apparatus that can set off alarms and notify authorities.
Strengths:
* Can make a key or sharp object from any metal known to man that can open any door whether that be cars, sororities or class room buildings.
* Has stolen exam documents and forged grades, SS numbers and doctoral dissertations (for copy and forgery) on numerous occasions without detection.
* Instrumental in his fraternity having the highest GPA on campus last year.
Weaknesses:
* Lowlight was breaking into science arts building to change clocks back four hours during exam week-sophomore year. Unfortunately, by the time he left the building he thought he was on the actual time and flunked that course the next day by missing his exam, along with the other 1/4 of the campus of fall semester that year.
Shane Denson: Florida State University: Fantastic awareness of knowing what women want but not caring one bit about providing it and still coming away with positive responses from them.
Strengths:
*Strikingly handsome
*Able to coax women he has repeatedly stalked, imporperly touched or sexually harassed to drop complaints or charges potentially levied against him on a consistent basis.
*Able to manage 'well endowed' and scantily clad coeds into properly greeting party goers, bringing beer to their tables and preparing/serving food at football tailgate or fraternity mixer parties.
*Well acquainted with a large network of plastic surgeons.
Weaknesses:
*Can make cocktails but is inexperienced and drinks tend to be "too watery"
*Prospects of dying young are possible due to chance meeting with a lesbian or feminist.
Garland Newsome: San Jose State: Other wordly knack for doctoring photographs and public/private records through multiple electronic apparatus.
Strengths:
*Career Highlights- when he caused Facebook to nearly crash by being able to solicit a quarter of the world's population to either tag or accept his friend requests.
Weaknesses: FBI is well aware of him.
TEAM/COMPANY NEEDS PROFILE:
(1) Lowe's Hardware: equipment producer-key locksmith department manager.
(2) Fort Lowell City Schools: janitorial and maintenance coordinator
(3) Party Extravaganza: events coordinator, marketing and costume design
(4) Mellow Mushroom: line cook with possibility for management track
(5) Columbus City Parks & Recreation: landscaping and parks manager
(6) Roly Poly: line cook with possibility for management track
(7) Buffalo Wild Wings: bartender
(8) Hooters: manager, bartender
(9) Domino's: driver-deliver
(10) City of Birmingham Sewer & Water Board: Treasurer
(11) Detroit City Schools: Teacher-Resouce Officer
(12) John Deer: Parts Manager
(13) Keaton & Hale Attorney's @ Law: Attorney
(14) Match.com: Web coordinator
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